Today is a day of beginnings.  I am at a place in my life were I am beginning to doubt myself, beginning to change the way I do things, have begun to put new ways into doing things these last few weeks.  Ol' Army guy is in deep trouble.  He has massive amounts of seepage in his eyes from high blood sugar and high blood pressure maybe caused by heart episode he had in May.  We had been trying to things in our house sense May to begin a change.  More beans less meat, less fat, more broil or boil, less pop more tea, you see the trend.  Ol' Army guy just does not want to give up his meat and corn/potato/starch meals for stir fries, tofu, or hummus and baked chips.  He is not wanting to try new vegetables, he will not give up his head lettuce for romaine or leaf lettuces.  He is reading up on corn, gmo's, and how adding fruits and veggies helps a body. 

To tell you the truth I am not far behind Ol' Army guy in health issues in many ways.  Higher than normal blood sugar, less energy, no muscle to walk far, and a great deal more weight than a body should ever have to deal with in any way one can think of.  Hell it happened one day at a time now to change it back one day at a time too.  at 404 lbs. I am a big girl, a person who is really more round than upright.  I still have muscle just not what I use to have.  I love and hate that my Ol' Army guy never really tells me I look awful but then he does not touch me but a few times a year for sex either.  He tells me it is from all the meds he is on I am beginning to think it is also easier for him to say that than to tell me I do not turn his dick hard any longer.  In the end it is a mixed together and leads us into good friends who sleep together category.  Funny thing is I know what to do when I am overweight just do not know what to do to not be overweight.  I mean thinking ways not just more energy, more freedom to go to movies and church where I can seat in the seats.  I mean what does one think of to get thin, stay thin, be thin.  I have forgotten what it is to think that way without the confusion in the way.  I purchased some sun dresses this year. I sure know now what I feel when I think I look really fat and really ugglee white trash fat look like inside.  I do not want to leave the house, do not want to go into stores.  I hate we do not have money to make this transition simple with an operation, or weight loss group.  I am so lost so I take things one day at a time one step at a time.  I am off to go get my ACV and stevia drink now.  It is seeming to help me get different faster than anything so far.  I will write more soon.   

‎1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

These were the words my husband and I agreed to be read at our wedding.  We were full of joy even being in our late 40s at being married to someone we loved to such a great degree.  Well almost a decade as passed with life changing speed our lives were changed as well.  Two things did us in both accidents both simple to recover from as kids not so simple now.  Head trauma, pinched nerves, pain, loss of memories, physical limitations increased, weight gain, hair loss, increased falls all have played their part in  our lives these last 3 years.  What I want to say is the love has grown, the spirit still finds hope, today I love him with respect and dignity for his daily grind he does.  I work hard at not doing much for him.  To let him find what he can do and what he can figure out to do without as much help.  I am here for him, I support him, I will not chip away at what regrowth of dignity I have seen him regain nor do I need to do things he can do.  He is a man, he is due respect for what he does each and every day just to get out of bed.  The pain, the falls, the lost of felling in extremities are enough for anyone to endure.  There are days he walks with a cane pride fills me as I know what he has overcome to bring that cane out, there are days he does not need the cane yippy Skippy.  He does this without pain killers which he does not want to become depend on, he does this without hot tubs or other sources to relieve his achiness.  I remember how tall he stood and how proud he was of me.  I will stand proud and recall his duty to himself he prides himself in.  He is a gentleman who loves his spouse, wants to provide for her, take care of her, and be a gentleman to other women in which he comes in contact with each and over day.  No cursing, not hitting, no fighting, no biting,  what he does on those times I blow is he keeps quite and waits for the storm to blow over.  There are safety words for him to use if I have crossed over the line in my tantrum to get me a fair warning I have crossed the line.  Eight years ago today we shared with our family and friends the joy of our joining.  Today I felt that joy again when I watched him sit in a saddle for the first time in many a year.  He will live his dream so that his dream gives him a reason to live each day, face the day with hope and goals on why we get up each and over day in this old body we now endure even if it has been in an accident or two.   

Sitting in the sun watching the wind move the leaves

Sitting here in the little office doing bookwork is wonderful.  I can look out over about a third of my property spotting the horses, goats, wildlife, and the grass grow this time of year.  Doves or whippoorwills eat seeds and bugs in the pen close to this window, spring sun shines in over where I sit making it very warm and cozy in this small room.  Come summer I will see changes occur most noticeable will be the change in when I can sit in this room as it heats up so the shades come down and the window will get a cover to keep the sun from hitting it in the main part of the day. 

I am thinking of making an apple sausage, red pepper, onion, tomato, & pasta dish for dinner.  I have not gotten to cook much this last tax season as 50-60 hour days wore me out most of the time.  But simple foods are being craved by me right now.  Soft scrambled eggs and ham with a simple sour dough bread toast and early salad greens.  Stews served over rustic mashed potatoes with sliced apples for a sweet ending.  Dan is wanting white bean and ham soup with cornbread and a salad. Chili served over baked potatoes with a veggie gelation side and a cookie.  Tuna dinner salads with an avocado dressing and sliced bananas with a hit of cinnamon and sugar for desert.  Quartered hard boiled eggs, radish, celery, and other finger veggies with a dip and slices of chocolate cake with chocolate icing and about a tablespoon of cream poured over the cake.   

Some will shutter, but I know it is better to eat then to relapse into drinking again.  I have been having dreams of relapse.  Dreams I was hiding and drinking.  Not good to wake up from then having to go check to make sure it was not real.  Some of the locations cool- European and South American locals- were lovely, but the things I did drinking the hiding, was not good.  Getting out from under the day in day out work of doing taxes- fear of mistakes, losing my job, causing someone pain due to an error, and other related fears do cause pain for me at times.  I can still feel the stress of not being able to get everything done I said I would last time in a timely manner.  Even my own return.  Better be getting that mudra going, what was it again oh yea- Shit happens, so let it roll off your back.  

Starting over to the every so often blog entries, returning to doing things I love cooking, homemaking, gardening, and just hearing the quite for a change.  With Ol' Army Man going to school I will not have to spend all my time with him this spring and summer.  I am looking forward to the change and to the quite reflecting time I will be able to have.  Turn down the go-go-go he often has me in so I keep up with his stuff but not my own.  He did it to me today.  I had plans so did he so his plans took the auto give me a lift to do his stuff but not mine.  Now I am in a worry about my word being mud.  Dang I had putting myself into this position as his memory loss, forgetfulness, and single minded driving force at times shows more than others.  I just was not up to fighting him today so I let it slide.  I need to recall he has been alone as well these past 4 months as we each went our own way for hours and hours each week.   

I will work on forgiving tonight hopefully then things will be less stressful by Friday when I go see my crew at the Farewell to Tax Year 2012 Luncheon on Friday in Eugene Oregon at the Red Lobster.  None of us have ever been to Red Lobster for lunch and most have never been at all so wanted to give it a try.  I am trying to plan things so I do not feel stuck at home with Ol' Army Man or the dogs 24/7 this year.  We will see if these plans can last but at least it is a plan of action this year rather then the wait and see plan we went with after last tax season.  

Take care, 

Ol' Mossback Me.