Sitting in the sun watching the wind move the leaves

Sitting here in the little office doing bookwork is wonderful.  I can look out over about a third of my property spotting the horses, goats, wildlife, and the grass grow this time of year.  Doves or whippoorwills eat seeds and bugs in the pen close to this window, spring sun shines in over where I sit making it very warm and cozy in this small room.  Come summer I will see changes occur most noticeable will be the change in when I can sit in this room as it heats up so the shades come down and the window will get a cover to keep the sun from hitting it in the main part of the day. 

I am thinking of making an apple sausage, red pepper, onion, tomato, & pasta dish for dinner.  I have not gotten to cook much this last tax season as 50-60 hour days wore me out most of the time.  But simple foods are being craved by me right now.  Soft scrambled eggs and ham with a simple sour dough bread toast and early salad greens.  Stews served over rustic mashed potatoes with sliced apples for a sweet ending.  Dan is wanting white bean and ham soup with cornbread and a salad. Chili served over baked potatoes with a veggie gelation side and a cookie.  Tuna dinner salads with an avocado dressing and sliced bananas with a hit of cinnamon and sugar for desert.  Quartered hard boiled eggs, radish, celery, and other finger veggies with a dip and slices of chocolate cake with chocolate icing and about a tablespoon of cream poured over the cake.   

Some will shutter, but I know it is better to eat then to relapse into drinking again.  I have been having dreams of relapse.  Dreams I was hiding and drinking.  Not good to wake up from then having to go check to make sure it was not real.  Some of the locations cool- European and South American locals- were lovely, but the things I did drinking the hiding, was not good.  Getting out from under the day in day out work of doing taxes- fear of mistakes, losing my job, causing someone pain due to an error, and other related fears do cause pain for me at times.  I can still feel the stress of not being able to get everything done I said I would last time in a timely manner.  Even my own return.  Better be getting that mudra going, what was it again oh yea- Shit happens, so let it roll off your back.  

Starting over to the every so often blog entries, returning to doing things I love cooking, homemaking, gardening, and just hearing the quite for a change.  With Ol' Army Man going to school I will not have to spend all my time with him this spring and summer.  I am looking forward to the change and to the quite reflecting time I will be able to have.  Turn down the go-go-go he often has me in so I keep up with his stuff but not my own.  He did it to me today.  I had plans so did he so his plans took the auto give me a lift to do his stuff but not mine.  Now I am in a worry about my word being mud.  Dang I had putting myself into this position as his memory loss, forgetfulness, and single minded driving force at times shows more than others.  I just was not up to fighting him today so I let it slide.  I need to recall he has been alone as well these past 4 months as we each went our own way for hours and hours each week.   

I will work on forgiving tonight hopefully then things will be less stressful by Friday when I go see my crew at the Farewell to Tax Year 2012 Luncheon on Friday in Eugene Oregon at the Red Lobster.  None of us have ever been to Red Lobster for lunch and most have never been at all so wanted to give it a try.  I am trying to plan things so I do not feel stuck at home with Ol' Army Man or the dogs 24/7 this year.  We will see if these plans can last but at least it is a plan of action this year rather then the wait and see plan we went with after last tax season.  

Take care, 

Ol' Mossback Me.  

Recovery Coffee

Today my son has 30 days in recovery.  Today I have 22 yrs, 9 months, and 18 days in recovery.  This son of mine thinks I am full of it and not really all that bad.  Hate to live though bad as what I lived though was enough for me.  More than enough for anyone's lifetime.  I can remember thinking Coffee AWFUL stuff at meetings. 

Then I started to use it was more of a hand warmer than a drink.  Something to do with my hands.  That helped.  Coffee is cheaper than drinking Beer or at least it was back when I stopped.  Use to be able to buy a months worth of coffee for less than $10 dollars.  Yea and way back then I use to have only $10 per week for my husband's cigs.  Times have changed.   Coffee at meetings use to be better at some locations than others.  In the town I went to most of the meetings were in one location so the same coffee was used for all the meetings at that location. 

Once I found the cup I liked I took one to meetings.  The cup was tallish, large enough around to put my hands, while keeping them warm.  I started buying myself mugs for coffee and tea.  I like some mugs for camping, others for tea for my break on a spring day.  Other cups were for summer take outside and leave them or winter keep the coffee warm in the greenhouse, then there were some for other hot drinks like warm eggnog or herb teas for the evenings in the winter by the hearth.  Then we built a home without a fireplace or wood stove.  Oh, how I was living the good life.  No wood to haul, no wood to stack, no wood to split, not having to have a wood shed was a big deal to me.   No more boots to dry and care for after we did the wood run.  Oh the freedom, I felt. 

I lived.  I learned how much coffee to drink. 

Yea, had to learn not to drink too much coffee, then I had to wean myself off coffee after I married Old Army Man as he likes the smell of coffee, but will not drink the stuff or kiss me if I have been drinking the stuff.  I liked my morning kisses so I just let coffee fall to the wayside.   I do drink coffee during tax season as well, I need to be awake and up and going for hours on end.  The drugs I take for ailments have me sleeping 10-11 hours a day without coffee to keep me from napping.  I start to creep up on my cups of coffee until I get a bit jittery then I need to back off and tell the boss, hey I need to sleep here. 

 

I miss having coffee around a campfire of an evening or early morning.  I miss the scout troop I use to go camping with also.  The leader was a bear of a man, big, loud, funny, loved to show the kids how things were done before the turn of the century.  The kids made rope, started fires with simple things one could find or had in your pockets in the woods.  How to cook and how to love the outdoors.  They went so many places, they had so much fun on the rafting trips, the summer camps where they had horse camps and night rides camp outs.  These activities kept me sober.  I learned to live a life with out bars, beer, and drugs.  Real friends not drinking buddies, not drinking because I was sad I had no real friends any longer. 

 

What does coffee mean to me?  Coffee is hope.  Coffee means a future.  Coffee means loving behavior, caring behavior, kindness in a cup.  The smell of coffee in the morning as Grandma who raised me in the summers as I was growing up was so refreshing.  It was the love I felt, the being cared for by someone who took the time to care for me.  Not because she had to, but because she wanted me to learn how to be like her.  I learned to work yarn to the smell of coffee, I learn to embroidery to the smell of coffee.  I learned to pack a lunch to the smell of coffee.  I learned to do the banking and the books to the smell of coffee.  Coffee smell is so refreshing at times.   Can you feel it hugging you when you enter a room after not smelling coffee for a while?  Me too. 

 I started to drink coffee while in college.  My parents did not drink coffee.  I now drink coffee in fancy glasses, mugs, paper cups, plastic cups, iced in heavy tall cups. 

 

I would love to say coffee solved so many problems.  I had stopped drinking.  Less problems of my own making thank the Lord!  That did not clean up the mess I had made in my life or the mess less messy.  I cleaned up some of my messes, some I out lived.  Others just went away before I got around to cleaning them up.  I took one son to Eagle Scout, one to Life.  I learned my way with my sons and though those men who were men more than I think my sons did.  I learned what a man should do and how he acted.  How he took the good and the bad and did not hit/kick, batter strike kick out of bed, yell at, leave blame the wife for the problems.  It was eye opening as my first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Learned men could drink or not drink for months or even years.  I learned these men liked coffee but did not drink it 24/7 like my first husband did during his sober attempts.  I learned a great deal more about what a man should do then maybe I wanted as I was upset by how my roll models and male leadership roles where jerks more than men at times.  Eye opening to say the least.  I now go out on a cool morning with my tin cup in hand to keep those hands warm, the cup does not break and I can put it anywhere and the livestock really have not broken it yet like they have the plastic mugs.   I hope to keep up the good things I learned.  I learned what I wanted in a husband so when the first husband died I knew there was more to life than what I had in the first marriage.   Good yes there was some, bad lots of that, sad even more sadness for hopes lost, decades lost, joy dampened down.  Now it all is different because I learned to pick a man who respects me, loves me thick or thin-physically, emotionally or financially- I am loved.  I get treated like a queen and the hurt has gone away.  I cannot get back those years I lost to drinking, but I can live my life forward one day at a time.  My dream of a small farm, a loving husband, dogs asleep at my feet, cows in the fields.  Chickens on order, ducks in their duck run area.  Greenhouse part way built, garden tunnels supplies on the ground.  I am living.  I am alive.  To think I started with a Coffee in my hands. 

 

Thank you for your time.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for me for being me today. 

 

Take care and you all come back now you hear. 

 

Ol' Mossback

 

 

 

 

 

 



It happened again.

Daughter's birthday today.  Old Army Man just is not up to going in to eat lunch as he is hurting too bad today.  Well that was a first step of many being different.  Middle son phoned asked if he could talk to me and well I invited him to lunch with his sister.       

  Oldest son called and asked if he could come to lunch as sis was giving him a ride and well the answer was yes.  Nice all kids with me on dd birthday.  A nice move on everyone part as she was worried no one would remember her birthday.  Well things went well as she was not the only one to celebrate milestones in there life.  Middle son did get his GED had just gotten the news this morning that was why he was calling me.  I felt so good after learning he had his GED as that meant I now had two high school grads and one GED kid from three kids I had been told by school officials time and time again none would never get out of grade school.  Needless to say the kids each took their own route to achieve the results but they have now something to be proud of for reaching out to achieve something someone said they would never do and do it with flying colors for the most part.  Some times teachers are great other times they are not worth diddle.  Some school systems promote great teachers others systems promote the diddles of the education system. 

Daughter does not do photos often.  If she did she would look like the picture to our left only without the hat.  She looks like me who looks like my mom and aunts, who look like their mom and their aunts see the thread of this.  Well we are old stock with strong genes and life has given each of us our own ups and downs.  Cowgirl she is not but then again she is turning out more farm girl than she ever would believe she would be.  One of the things she talked about to day was about brother and sister-in-law who make all their food from boxes nothing from scratch.  How she was able to feed 2 people on the same budget that she feeds one most months the month her middle brother lived with her after SIL and him decided to file for divorce.  She is proud she can take two hundred dollars and make it last over a month sometimes 6 weeks.  Eating fresh food is some times the things she misses the most at the end of the month but she now knows to purchase cabbage, apples, winter squash, cranberries, oranges, etc that keep well or freeze well so she is not without fresh flavor at the end of the month.  She learned the value of cooking from scratch after the first time she moved out.  Found out how much it would cost not to learn.  Thank goodness for YouTube videos which ed helped her until she moved back home and paid attention now that she wanted to know how to make food she liked or how to stretch the food dollar.   She is not a big bean eater but she does have several kinds in her freezer just in case she needs something at the end of the month.  She never did like bean dish Friday's we use to have however she did like meat free Wednesday.  Eggplant was one of her favorite meat substitutes, edamone (green fresh frozen soybeans) was like in many forms.  I have a few seed packets of soybeans that I am planning on trying to grow as the seed catalogs say they will grow and I found some short season seeds to try to give them enough time grow.  

 

Well to get back to the saying, remember that auto being broken down, it did it again today.   Wednesday the auto repair man come out and fixed the belt here after it breaking, Thursday two trips to town-me to work and home again.  Friday almost out of town on the way to Albany and bang that darn belt went.  Made it to a place I could part and meet my kids.  Called the repairman, he came out, put a new belt on, then I drove back,  belt may have broken on the way to his shop.  I just could not find it in myself to look.  DD drove me home after she did some things she needed to do before she could leave town.  Time, time, time sitting at home gets old.  Not because I do not like it or that there is nothing to do but because of the loss of freedom.  A couple of days okay but this is going on 11 days.  I have made appointments for Craigslist's pick-ups then could not make it time after time.  I look so much like a flake.  Flakes one of the things I work hard at not being now that I am sober.  Cuss word inserted here, I want to do better and think clearer then days like this happen were it all seems to slap me silly.  OAM and me seemed to have a few words a couple times today.  We never have words so there was many things which made today a slap me silly day.   I hope when we go back in to get the Jeep in the morning we can stay on the road for a while we we get things back on track-emotionally, financially, and well physically be able to be on a track. 

 

Take care, you all come back now you hear, 

 

Ol' Mossback    

All quite before the storm

Fall is coming, you can feel it in the air.  The nights are cooler, the leaves have begun to change on the early trees, the garden is packed full surprises, the livestock and wildlife are acting a bit different.  Still time to enjoy the sunny days, cool off in the evening to sleep.  Then come the last week or two of October all sorts of weather breaks lose. 

Now is the time to enjoy the beginning of fall the end of summer, the time of plenty the time of change.  More and more things are changing.  Heard that my daughter in law (former) dropped my grandchild off at her mothers saying she could not longer care for that child because it acted like my son.   Silly girl the grandchild is acting just like her grandpa did at that age.  My first husband was smart, keen memories, a planner, a handful, a hell raiser even at 3 years old, the granddaughters age.    People asked him if he was the Marlboro man because he looked such the part of a cowboy.  The grand child I am speaking of has just been though some things in life that are upsetting.  Mom and Dad (she was a daddy's girl) life was crazy due to social choices made, mom was not the Mommy of the Year in many ways, but not harmful physically to her children. What I saw and advised to keep quite about was the language, the music, the movies of gore and violence, the threats of violence even though some of those threats were in jest, how is a child to know? 

The big changes started last fall.  Violence, restraining orders, jail, kids moved to other grandmothers home, then the divorce which puts emotions into adults let along kids. Putting a restraining order on dad against the mom them mom adding the kids to the restraining order while going though a trying divorce puts things on stressful, drug use, alcohol abuse by the parents and friends, living with the grandmother for months puts a stress on the children, then 2 months later after moving back in with Mommy, finds mom marring a female puts a whole new twist on family life, well, maybe that child has a reason to be acting out.  I find myself thinking she tossed the kid out with the dirty water. 

Not saying my adult child was doing nothing wrong.  He needed to be hung by the short hairs until he recalled he made two children, he promised God and the church he would love and care for them and their momma.  He did cared for those kids more though actions than the mother did, was those kids rock in the family.  For him to toss it all away on drug & booze with the way he is drawn to them is telling himself a lie each and every minute of the day.  He has to get more of his head on straight than he has now to physically care for those kids. 

He is the better parent.  This is one thing all sets of grandparents agree.  He was a great parent to his kids.  He did the house work, kept their home, made the meals, dressed those girls, sat on the couch and watched their shows with them, laid on the floor and played kid games with them.  He was the one who put them to bed at night, reading them a story, and tucking them in while mom did do the shopping, oh, she liked to shop.  She could cook and did often when she wanted something for herself.  The mom lost her focus after she started going back to beauty school and losing over 100 lbs from having 2 kids one on top of the other.  The path each of the parents has is tough to return to near what they were before drugs, now to not think that you, the parent, did not played some part of those kids of yours being a bit touchy, well, you just have your head in the sand with your arse exposed to the elements. 

I know I have been on each side of this issue, the child of, a parent who was, a parent who did not have her arse exposed any longer, the mother that grieved on how she may have made choices she never should have made,  I tried very hard not to repeat the same steps my parents to or the grandparents took, but, alas, each generation has been less violence, less hate (maybe) but we still have children who are now effected by our negative actions who are acting out.  I was the good girl, but why can no one love me, my bother was the smart with comments to put laughter in the day type person, other brother was the make them laugh athlete.  Dad was the smart one who did not get to go to college so he worked his way up though the ranks in not one profession, but several, worked up til his dying day.  Mom, she kept the home fires burning in more than one way.  Grandmas one side hard working earner, poor her statments, she was so poor due to grandpa, other side I will kill you if you lay another hand on me or the kids.  Grandpas one soft artistic, the other hard as nails tough, tougher than tough hard, it is how he made it and could "screw" so many people yet go to bed at night and sleep.  Each of these generations had the ups and downs, it rules and changes, but wow to be this way after so many generations of trying not to be that way any longer.  Wonder what we have each taught our kids to make them be a less polite and more physical or verbally negative in nature? 

Okay so now I have shared a bit of the story of me.  Not all fun and games, rather recovery, recover on may fronts still was not enough to keep it from touching the next generation in some way.  I have hope that this was stopped early enough that the next generation will not be affected or effected by the nightmare of addiction, domestic violence, and dumb dumb moves that change a life.  One hope is out there is of the three only one is showing signs of acting it out, the other two are working hard to keep the tie broken.

Nite You All, Til we meet again,

Ol' Mossback

 

The Eyes have it.....

This was a busy day.  Spent the morning carting around people.  Old Army Man to college, then picked up Big Tall Son to do some job searching.  In this neck of the woods "It is the Economy Dummy" still effecting our lives.  I have three children, myself, and a husband.  None of us are working full time.  Me, it is normal for the line of work I am in, plus I (we) have the farm, OAM life has given him a recovery learning curve from all the stuff that is happening with his body.  Way to long of a list to outline in one blog, let me tell you.  Two sons and one daughter, well lets see what is happening.  One boy went out with me today as he followed up on jobs he has applied for prevously also Mom being mom stopped at new places and pointed out other places for him to research.  Okay if every day he can follow up on 5 job apps, learn of three new places to go back to and leave applications, and get mom off his back about well you could move back into my place.  I did have him come over this week and we cleaned up stuff OAM has not been able to do for one reason or another.  Being we live on a farm a great deal of the work involved cleaning up droppings of this and that.  He did his job with out grumping but when I called to say I was in town with 2 hours to fill he said lets go check job apps, and I want to go see if so and so really has a we are hiring sign out.  Between 10 am and 11:45 we went to business on a Wednesday morning.  At noon took Olderst to a meeting, meet OAM, went to lunch, came home, put OAM into bed, then went back out and had my eyes checked.  I went back to my old eye doctor.  She has kids the same age as my olderst (her youngest) which gave us some time to talk about what was overlapping in our lives now.  Our kids us to be on sport teams together back in our younger years.  Well her husband is still around and kicking, her 30 old son is going back to college to fine tune his degree and area of study a bit more.  Her other son, 28, is just joined the milatary and is right now learning how to be a firemen for his country.  She was talking about something I had been thinking about. 

Both her and myself were dealing with life matters at 27-28 jobs, kids, ed done, house, etc.  Now we are talking and both our kids are having trouble finding a place in life or where to head their lives until there late 20's early 30's heck my 23 yr old daughter whom I have been very worried about put in this light may just be ahead of the curve as she is at least trying to figure out what she wants to study or do with her life.  Without her using drugs or alchoal to change her veiw of life maybe there is still hope, maybe.  My eyes were wide open for the doctor to view them now that I have elder issues that can start showing at my age but maybe she opened my eyes in a whole new way along with the exam. 

Time for dinner soon.  Steak, zuccini, peaches, and some starch to be named later.....

I will be seeing you soon, Take care,

Old Mossback