Life we live it to meet a goal yet do we live along the way?  I found that out tonight.  Old Army Man found an invite to a pizza party tomorrow, asked if my schedule allowed me to attend, yes, so now I am giddy.  How long has it been just coming home after work or staying home and doing the  day in day out stuff which has become boring.  Not that I do not enjoy the even tone but the idea of going out on a Tuesday to a city 45 miles away has brought great joy to my life.  I have not been attending any support groups, AA meetings, or church-community related events or groups in years.  Not even work related educational hours earning monthly meetings have I been attending.  

The 29th of December my husband's only child died, 23 yr old young men should not be dying prior to their fathers.  I had prior to the son death been making sure Dear Old Army Man felt needed, then following this loss I have been arranging to have encouraging him have lunch or travel to see friends, email, or other contacts from his support groups beyond me as I cannot be his everything.  When he goes to see or talk to the people outside of me he has new news, stories, or insights to share.  I find it a win win for me as he gets to bring the news home to me during the tax season when I am out of the house hours and hours each week.  Grief is handled different by each of us I am told yet there are steps that all go though in grieving.  Old Army Man has been telling better puns these last few weeks.  I have been finding myself laughing more at his quips.  I like this man who pups bubbles of laughter into my life.  I turn to look at him and the smile creeps out slowly brightening his whole face.  I was not close to his son.  The mother asked I keep away from her son.  The mother was I respected this the best I coudld, until her death 4 years ago.  Then the son who had been more indoctrinated than the average person in that her family was ¨good¨ and everyone else she did not tell you was part of her life was not.  I was not on her list.  

I was the spawn of bad people in turn my children were walking reflections of me.  The pot smoking druggie who spent time in prison yet turned his life around as he grew into an adult, nor the middle son who used meth, heroin, pain killer taking young man who got clean was tattooed so he was a scum bag just for dumb choices he made in his pre-25 years old self tat sleeves, my youngest was a girl who did not date often therefore she was a nerd, cause she was tech savoy, carried a B+ grades however her worse was she enjoyed spending time with my husband acting as a family.  Eating at the dinner table, going to movies together, or even day trips to events DD was awful as you can see never should he spend time around her.  I think the worse of it was the first night DD and step son spent and evening together the mom of the step son flipped as we had a fire going with 6 teenage girls that spent time giggle, teasing, and having good clean fun outside until 10:30 pm with us outside too around the fire keeping an eye on everyone so no to people of the apposing sex were out of the firelight or left alone on a warmish balmy September Friday night.  The next morning the boy's mother called him for the 10th time in 16 hours and told the boy she was coming to pick him up as she was going to take him to his favorite restaurant and the movie he wanted to see.  That boy never go to spend another night at our house cause I was a bad influence.  This women was at least three types of crazy.  She would drive onto my lawn, doing circles in the large side yard, diving over anything we had there, she would drive up our driveway and take pictures of what we were doing then drive back out, or she would stop in front of our home to just sit and stare.  Then there was the times she would break into our home and take stuff.  We would call the police and they would tell us it was a domestic issue.  WE took her to court and we ended up being told we were to leave her alone as she had a right in the street that no one would be crazy enough to break into our home and take stuff, nor were we to contact the mother again or the son unless the son called Old Army Man.  That women could twist the truth and tell lies without batting an eye.  I would tell the judge or police the truth and be told I was lying and to act more like an adult.  Heck, a couple years after the mother died the son called, arranged dinner with his dad, softly laughing about the crazy things his mother did to his dad and I.  I did manage to pray for this gal enough that I ended up forgiving her prior to her early death.  I was happy I had taken the time to work on forgiving her so I had no unfinished issues.  The son I had thought there would be more time.   I know the boy was brain washed, leaving the young man just as bewildered in what to believe especially with his mother taking her own life once things were published in the newspaper about the secrets she had been hiding.  The drugs and alcohol she had been selling and providing to minors, her own use, her needing to report to jail in 10 days, then to find out we had paid all the back child support off and she would no longer have a hold over her ex-husband plus all that she had done did not cause us to break up.  I was in the wrong not divorcing her ex-husband then him remarriage to her as she had told thefairy tail to her son.  This women after divorcing my husband in 1993 moved back into her parents home her room was in the basement the son's was in the second floor near the grandparents room.  The mother would invite her boyfriend over then they would announce that they wanted to be alone until they came up for air cause they wanted to have sex, did I tell you that she had no door on her room, that if you opened the door to go into the basement were the food pantry was along with the washer and dryer and the rest of the family would giggle and jest about the amount of noise they made.  The son heard this often plus she would flaunt it in front of my husband to the point he told her and the other members of her family  he would not come into their house again as he did not support or endorse her actions or behavior.  The family was the main focus of their lives not  bad thing but it was not a healthy family once behind the doors.   The grandmother had an ongoing affair with a man for over 20 years, the grandfather with at least one long term affair gal for over 20 that my OAM knew of and many one night stands.  Then the ex-wife's actively open to close friends and family gay school teaching teen boys basketball couch brother let me take these men to my room which I have lived at home in the same small about 8 by 10 room all 60 years of his life one twin bed, one dresser, no more room for anything else room for a bedroom.   There was a son who left and became something of a someone but he was not welcomed home as he had no children nor did he want to visit often there fore he was a black sheep of the family.  This three ways of crazy gal even went so far as to change my husband's only son of an only son name to her family name to hurt my husband and to bond her with her egotistical tyrannical domestically abusing- mentally, physically, and sexually- father who wanted his family name to carry on.  Oh, I was tainted bad just not as bad as the secrets this family was trying to keep from others.  This grandfather was powerful in the family name cause he had severed on some of the city elected communities, been involved with education leadership of their local school district.   The family did not follow a God based religious vent more of a cult in their religious following.    Yet I was the bad one in the young man's way of thinking.  He had been told from the time he was three years old that my husband had divorced her not the truth she had divorced him thus the mom kept the pity of the son based on her, on how she had been abandoned, left to raise a son alone so she had to move home to raise him under the watchful helping financially ( she was employed and gave up a 20 plus hour a job to move back home earning little to nothing), opening loving (yea the son just did not know it was loving anything that would stand still for the old man to man handle or ¨score" with female or the her mother mother who falsely took vacations without her husband the same week her partner would take a vacation without his wife) parents she had to help her raise a delightful wonderful child that he was meant to become so she could work in an adult book store so she could score either sex parties she and her long term lover loved attending or the way she spent the child's inheritance on herself more than him the grandmother had left in the mom's charge so the son could make something of himself.   Oh yea she has spent over 250 K on eating out, trips, awful clothing that looked like she was stuck in the 80's dance scene, hair dyes, hair cuts, retreats, spas, some jewelry, rentals or purchased of things to make them look good on the outside to people looking in in 10 years.   Alas more people saw her for what she was rather than the carefully crafted image she thought she and her family was thinking they were keeping up.  Then once she learned that her part of the farce was up she could not face the future without the knowledge she was somehow better than she was in reality.  The lose of her so close to the loss of his grandfather was just too much on top of the awful operations that went sour on this young man leading to him being disabled for the rest of his life and hooked on pain killers leading to other dependencies- alcohol, other drugs, temper tampers with every altercation he had with the police.  He was too sick for the jail to keep him so they kept releasing him, feeling sorry for the young man with the disabilities he had been left with following the surgery.  Oh how weary a life we live when the chips start to fall from our image as our true selves emerge from behind the false front we thought would protect us.  

I wonder what false images I still have to overcome to be the true me.  What lies have I been telling myself and maybe others?  What will be in my future to learn more about who and where I need to head to not be false to myself and others.  Lord love me today and tomorrow for what I am and what I think I am trying to do good in my life and the other lives I touch.  Keep my children safe, watch over the grandchildren, and keep those and others we love safe in your love, Amen.  

Sitting in the sun watching the wind move the leaves

Sitting here in the little office doing bookwork is wonderful.  I can look out over about a third of my property spotting the horses, goats, wildlife, and the grass grow this time of year.  Doves or whippoorwills eat seeds and bugs in the pen close to this window, spring sun shines in over where I sit making it very warm and cozy in this small room.  Come summer I will see changes occur most noticeable will be the change in when I can sit in this room as it heats up so the shades come down and the window will get a cover to keep the sun from hitting it in the main part of the day. 

I am thinking of making an apple sausage, red pepper, onion, tomato, & pasta dish for dinner.  I have not gotten to cook much this last tax season as 50-60 hour days wore me out most of the time.  But simple foods are being craved by me right now.  Soft scrambled eggs and ham with a simple sour dough bread toast and early salad greens.  Stews served over rustic mashed potatoes with sliced apples for a sweet ending.  Dan is wanting white bean and ham soup with cornbread and a salad. Chili served over baked potatoes with a veggie gelation side and a cookie.  Tuna dinner salads with an avocado dressing and sliced bananas with a hit of cinnamon and sugar for desert.  Quartered hard boiled eggs, radish, celery, and other finger veggies with a dip and slices of chocolate cake with chocolate icing and about a tablespoon of cream poured over the cake.   

Some will shutter, but I know it is better to eat then to relapse into drinking again.  I have been having dreams of relapse.  Dreams I was hiding and drinking.  Not good to wake up from then having to go check to make sure it was not real.  Some of the locations cool- European and South American locals- were lovely, but the things I did drinking the hiding, was not good.  Getting out from under the day in day out work of doing taxes- fear of mistakes, losing my job, causing someone pain due to an error, and other related fears do cause pain for me at times.  I can still feel the stress of not being able to get everything done I said I would last time in a timely manner.  Even my own return.  Better be getting that mudra going, what was it again oh yea- Shit happens, so let it roll off your back.  

Starting over to the every so often blog entries, returning to doing things I love cooking, homemaking, gardening, and just hearing the quite for a change.  With Ol' Army Man going to school I will not have to spend all my time with him this spring and summer.  I am looking forward to the change and to the quite reflecting time I will be able to have.  Turn down the go-go-go he often has me in so I keep up with his stuff but not my own.  He did it to me today.  I had plans so did he so his plans took the auto give me a lift to do his stuff but not mine.  Now I am in a worry about my word being mud.  Dang I had putting myself into this position as his memory loss, forgetfulness, and single minded driving force at times shows more than others.  I just was not up to fighting him today so I let it slide.  I need to recall he has been alone as well these past 4 months as we each went our own way for hours and hours each week.   

I will work on forgiving tonight hopefully then things will be less stressful by Friday when I go see my crew at the Farewell to Tax Year 2012 Luncheon on Friday in Eugene Oregon at the Red Lobster.  None of us have ever been to Red Lobster for lunch and most have never been at all so wanted to give it a try.  I am trying to plan things so I do not feel stuck at home with Ol' Army Man or the dogs 24/7 this year.  We will see if these plans can last but at least it is a plan of action this year rather then the wait and see plan we went with after last tax season.  

Take care, 

Ol' Mossback Me.  

Recovery Coffee

Today my son has 30 days in recovery.  Today I have 22 yrs, 9 months, and 18 days in recovery.  This son of mine thinks I am full of it and not really all that bad.  Hate to live though bad as what I lived though was enough for me.  More than enough for anyone's lifetime.  I can remember thinking Coffee AWFUL stuff at meetings. 

Then I started to use it was more of a hand warmer than a drink.  Something to do with my hands.  That helped.  Coffee is cheaper than drinking Beer or at least it was back when I stopped.  Use to be able to buy a months worth of coffee for less than $10 dollars.  Yea and way back then I use to have only $10 per week for my husband's cigs.  Times have changed.   Coffee at meetings use to be better at some locations than others.  In the town I went to most of the meetings were in one location so the same coffee was used for all the meetings at that location. 

Once I found the cup I liked I took one to meetings.  The cup was tallish, large enough around to put my hands, while keeping them warm.  I started buying myself mugs for coffee and tea.  I like some mugs for camping, others for tea for my break on a spring day.  Other cups were for summer take outside and leave them or winter keep the coffee warm in the greenhouse, then there were some for other hot drinks like warm eggnog or herb teas for the evenings in the winter by the hearth.  Then we built a home without a fireplace or wood stove.  Oh, how I was living the good life.  No wood to haul, no wood to stack, no wood to split, not having to have a wood shed was a big deal to me.   No more boots to dry and care for after we did the wood run.  Oh the freedom, I felt. 

I lived.  I learned how much coffee to drink. 

Yea, had to learn not to drink too much coffee, then I had to wean myself off coffee after I married Old Army Man as he likes the smell of coffee, but will not drink the stuff or kiss me if I have been drinking the stuff.  I liked my morning kisses so I just let coffee fall to the wayside.   I do drink coffee during tax season as well, I need to be awake and up and going for hours on end.  The drugs I take for ailments have me sleeping 10-11 hours a day without coffee to keep me from napping.  I start to creep up on my cups of coffee until I get a bit jittery then I need to back off and tell the boss, hey I need to sleep here. 

 

I miss having coffee around a campfire of an evening or early morning.  I miss the scout troop I use to go camping with also.  The leader was a bear of a man, big, loud, funny, loved to show the kids how things were done before the turn of the century.  The kids made rope, started fires with simple things one could find or had in your pockets in the woods.  How to cook and how to love the outdoors.  They went so many places, they had so much fun on the rafting trips, the summer camps where they had horse camps and night rides camp outs.  These activities kept me sober.  I learned to live a life with out bars, beer, and drugs.  Real friends not drinking buddies, not drinking because I was sad I had no real friends any longer. 

 

What does coffee mean to me?  Coffee is hope.  Coffee means a future.  Coffee means loving behavior, caring behavior, kindness in a cup.  The smell of coffee in the morning as Grandma who raised me in the summers as I was growing up was so refreshing.  It was the love I felt, the being cared for by someone who took the time to care for me.  Not because she had to, but because she wanted me to learn how to be like her.  I learned to work yarn to the smell of coffee, I learn to embroidery to the smell of coffee.  I learned to pack a lunch to the smell of coffee.  I learned to do the banking and the books to the smell of coffee.  Coffee smell is so refreshing at times.   Can you feel it hugging you when you enter a room after not smelling coffee for a while?  Me too. 

 I started to drink coffee while in college.  My parents did not drink coffee.  I now drink coffee in fancy glasses, mugs, paper cups, plastic cups, iced in heavy tall cups. 

 

I would love to say coffee solved so many problems.  I had stopped drinking.  Less problems of my own making thank the Lord!  That did not clean up the mess I had made in my life or the mess less messy.  I cleaned up some of my messes, some I out lived.  Others just went away before I got around to cleaning them up.  I took one son to Eagle Scout, one to Life.  I learned my way with my sons and though those men who were men more than I think my sons did.  I learned what a man should do and how he acted.  How he took the good and the bad and did not hit/kick, batter strike kick out of bed, yell at, leave blame the wife for the problems.  It was eye opening as my first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Learned men could drink or not drink for months or even years.  I learned these men liked coffee but did not drink it 24/7 like my first husband did during his sober attempts.  I learned a great deal more about what a man should do then maybe I wanted as I was upset by how my roll models and male leadership roles where jerks more than men at times.  Eye opening to say the least.  I now go out on a cool morning with my tin cup in hand to keep those hands warm, the cup does not break and I can put it anywhere and the livestock really have not broken it yet like they have the plastic mugs.   I hope to keep up the good things I learned.  I learned what I wanted in a husband so when the first husband died I knew there was more to life than what I had in the first marriage.   Good yes there was some, bad lots of that, sad even more sadness for hopes lost, decades lost, joy dampened down.  Now it all is different because I learned to pick a man who respects me, loves me thick or thin-physically, emotionally or financially- I am loved.  I get treated like a queen and the hurt has gone away.  I cannot get back those years I lost to drinking, but I can live my life forward one day at a time.  My dream of a small farm, a loving husband, dogs asleep at my feet, cows in the fields.  Chickens on order, ducks in their duck run area.  Greenhouse part way built, garden tunnels supplies on the ground.  I am living.  I am alive.  To think I started with a Coffee in my hands. 

 

Thank you for your time.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for me for being me today. 

 

Take care and you all come back now you hear. 

 

Ol' Mossback

 

 

 

 

 

 



It happened again.

Daughter's birthday today.  Old Army Man just is not up to going in to eat lunch as he is hurting too bad today.  Well that was a first step of many being different.  Middle son phoned asked if he could talk to me and well I invited him to lunch with his sister.       

  Oldest son called and asked if he could come to lunch as sis was giving him a ride and well the answer was yes.  Nice all kids with me on dd birthday.  A nice move on everyone part as she was worried no one would remember her birthday.  Well things went well as she was not the only one to celebrate milestones in there life.  Middle son did get his GED had just gotten the news this morning that was why he was calling me.  I felt so good after learning he had his GED as that meant I now had two high school grads and one GED kid from three kids I had been told by school officials time and time again none would never get out of grade school.  Needless to say the kids each took their own route to achieve the results but they have now something to be proud of for reaching out to achieve something someone said they would never do and do it with flying colors for the most part.  Some times teachers are great other times they are not worth diddle.  Some school systems promote great teachers others systems promote the diddles of the education system. 

Daughter does not do photos often.  If she did she would look like the picture to our left only without the hat.  She looks like me who looks like my mom and aunts, who look like their mom and their aunts see the thread of this.  Well we are old stock with strong genes and life has given each of us our own ups and downs.  Cowgirl she is not but then again she is turning out more farm girl than she ever would believe she would be.  One of the things she talked about to day was about brother and sister-in-law who make all their food from boxes nothing from scratch.  How she was able to feed 2 people on the same budget that she feeds one most months the month her middle brother lived with her after SIL and him decided to file for divorce.  She is proud she can take two hundred dollars and make it last over a month sometimes 6 weeks.  Eating fresh food is some times the things she misses the most at the end of the month but she now knows to purchase cabbage, apples, winter squash, cranberries, oranges, etc that keep well or freeze well so she is not without fresh flavor at the end of the month.  She learned the value of cooking from scratch after the first time she moved out.  Found out how much it would cost not to learn.  Thank goodness for YouTube videos which ed helped her until she moved back home and paid attention now that she wanted to know how to make food she liked or how to stretch the food dollar.   She is not a big bean eater but she does have several kinds in her freezer just in case she needs something at the end of the month.  She never did like bean dish Friday's we use to have however she did like meat free Wednesday.  Eggplant was one of her favorite meat substitutes, edamone (green fresh frozen soybeans) was like in many forms.  I have a few seed packets of soybeans that I am planning on trying to grow as the seed catalogs say they will grow and I found some short season seeds to try to give them enough time grow.  

 

Well to get back to the saying, remember that auto being broken down, it did it again today.   Wednesday the auto repair man come out and fixed the belt here after it breaking, Thursday two trips to town-me to work and home again.  Friday almost out of town on the way to Albany and bang that darn belt went.  Made it to a place I could part and meet my kids.  Called the repairman, he came out, put a new belt on, then I drove back,  belt may have broken on the way to his shop.  I just could not find it in myself to look.  DD drove me home after she did some things she needed to do before she could leave town.  Time, time, time sitting at home gets old.  Not because I do not like it or that there is nothing to do but because of the loss of freedom.  A couple of days okay but this is going on 11 days.  I have made appointments for Craigslist's pick-ups then could not make it time after time.  I look so much like a flake.  Flakes one of the things I work hard at not being now that I am sober.  Cuss word inserted here, I want to do better and think clearer then days like this happen were it all seems to slap me silly.  OAM and me seemed to have a few words a couple times today.  We never have words so there was many things which made today a slap me silly day.   I hope when we go back in to get the Jeep in the morning we can stay on the road for a while we we get things back on track-emotionally, financially, and well physically be able to be on a track. 

 

Take care, you all come back now you hear, 

 

Ol' Mossback    

Getting back to more of a normal day

Last night we got the car back.  Wow thought we would have gotten more done without us being gone as often.  Trick was on me, as I just am not as fast as I use to be.   I was happy to spend time with my husband, however it was good to let him go all by himself to go pick up the Jeep.  We had a friend visit just as hubby got home.  We spent the twilight talking and showing off stuff around the place.

Today we spent the day being old folks who need to get to know each other better.  Rekindled kindness, respect, and caring in our relationship.  Not sex so much as caring for the others limits, kindness in not expecting the world to shatter just because we were wild and crazy rather because we cared for each other's emotions, telling the other they still were desirable even over 50, less hair, more body weight, more wrinkles, less energy, slower to the take off, quicker to fail at times due to medications and life events.  It is not easy keeping a marriage on track.  Hopes dreams help, desire to be with your friend helps, fear of being alone is part of the make up of our marriage.  We have both been alone and knew going into this we were not 20 anymore but we wanted to make the commitment to each other as we had entered that age when children start to fly the nest life was a changing for my whole family at that time.  I had been a widow for a while after watching my first husband drink then added drugging himself to death.  His body just gave up trying to fight the fight and started to rot from the inside out.  This husband did nor has he ever be angry with me to the point of walking out, leaving me to clear his head, hitting me to get his way, or to even raise his voice to cuss me out.  He will say Whoa and that means please stop I am getting to angry we will talk more in a few minutes when I cool down a bit.  Now me I go off and cuss, say cutting words, even fuss and bussle about things.  Hubby now he see the trouble I have worked myself up to and he takes the time to either talk to me in a smooth calm voice or he gives me space to blow off steam then we talk.   Today's cuddle time was a renewal of all the good times we have had and want to have.  Time to talk, time to value the other, time to renew hopes and dreams in a safe place, safe manner, safe environment, in loving arms which have no age limits.   Cleaned up small problems between each other, talked of future, talked of where we wanted to go over the next few weeks in short comfortable manner.  It was safe and now our relationship is on better footing. 

My kids do not understand why I like this man, why I love him.  The safety OAM beings me compared to the first husband is miles apart.  He loves me without fear of what others think.  He is loved for his actions, words, and deeds.  He even attends church with me.  The value of that is priceless.  My heart opens to him each and every day.  He is real, knows himself, is not the most handsome like the first husband was but inside he is golden.  Just simply golden for me and he trys to love my kids as much as they will let themselves be open to him. 

Hubby went to town for a bit after we did some chores, then we had another visitor tonight.  A man looking for a new LGD (livestock Guard Dog).  WE need to rehome ours before she loses her instinct and wants to only guard the home and not the goats.  This sir has a herd of goats and Quince loves goats.  Dan brought dinner home a Big Carl from Carl's Jr.  I had fun eating someone else's cooking.  I had forgotten to eat breakfast or lunch did have a iced coffee.  I cut up some apples for dessert.  Now to see about getting a cable box converter so we can get TV from the on air stations if we can. 

It is getting late and I need to start tomorrow a bit earlier than we started today plus I want to read some before going to sleep. 

I will write more soon,

Take Care and come back soon,

Ol' Mossback

 

Retro life without a car

Remember way back, back when you had to ask to be taken somewhere.  Back when you were very young?  I do.  I lived in a small town of less than 500 people.  It was a mixture of loggers and wood products mill workers with a few tradesmen and farmers mixed in.  Some had wife's that ran small local stores, others had farms they came home to after work so they worked the land.  Most were church going, almost all drank, many had large families to support.  Kids did what kids did, play outside from morning wake-up to dusk with breaks for meals and school.  There were only 5 TV channels to watch.  CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, and a local independent station which showed old shows and movies with a kids show with cartoons on for us kiddies.

This week has been something like that for us.  Ruku for TV, no cable as Comcast went all digital and we do not have TVs that have built in converters and we never were able to get converters back when the feds were sending out vouchers as the stores were always out when we would go to get them.  Now once again we are waiting to see if there are any converters on the shelves.  Each time we go in the converters are sold out.  The prices we can find online do seem good until you  add on the $13+ dollar shipping charges.  Alas I am also without a car.  Our pick-up did a smashing wreck last February and we used the check to pay off property taxes which are high here in Oregon.  We have had the Jeep which has done us well as OAM is not to be driving much with his health anyway.  Now to stay at home where the nearest store is 3 miles away, the nearest store of size is 6 miles away.  We stocked up.  Our daughter did come out Friday to take OAM to the back, the local discount dented can and deli store and Walmart for dog food.  I had hoped to go to Wilco and get chicks this week did not happen, To go get some furniture to paint and fix up what I have,  go get some plywood to fix my furniture I have currently.  Then to start looking for areas to paint one thing at a time with so this house is livable again. 

We have gotten things done we would not have if not home.   Dogs trained, showers cleaned, bathrooms cleaned (this is saying alot when you have 4 bathroom and 5 showers)  Yes who ever built this house made one room that was just for wheel chair showers.  The kittens were named.  There have been many a night going to bed earlier getting up earlier.  We like each  other so time together has been good.  Meals have been so so as I am still working on that kitchen.  The dogs helped yesterday while we were out training dogs.  The dogs inside tore into the ww flour, the bread flour, the standard flour, and some of the sugars.  Dan now understands about me needing storage containers not only to keep mice out of but to store supplies in the kitchen. 

It has been hard for me to start my life over here in this house it just called to me but I am having trouble finding a way to make it a home.  It has been 7 years I thought I would have figured it out by now but there has been so much to overcome or do first.  Kids moving in and out, illnesses, injuries, and diseases took their toll, plus a lack or hope we would ever live here long enough to make it a home.  Well looks like this will be the homeplace no matter what at least for a decade or two more.  Time to get my head out of the sand and make this place work.  One thing at a time.  Kitchen counters too low will figure out if you can get new cabinets or raise the one's you have or do you say hell lets move the kitchen into the stick built side and gut the trailer house part as it is only a third of the square footage anyway.  Like I said one step at a time we will face the foes and meet them head on. 

I am off to go see if I can work some magic into the kitchen as I want to move some shelves, in and out and out to in, wash and tag them all if I can.  I want to see life come back into this place so it can be a home.  Those calves we let friends put on our place well they sure make a place feel like a home now to bring that feeling into this house.  Pictures maybe soon. 

Take care now you hear,

Ol' Mossback Tough

Pin Interst started the day

Okay spent some time today on Pin interest.  Did some laundry, and read some thing about how this Toshiba laptop has a way to get some free bokds on it.  However for some reason all the books I want to read cost!  Go figure, whemmm.  Just my luck not to be a big classics fan or maybe t's just about me having read most of the free books offered.  Read this to say-lived in boring little rual areas for years (decades really) where I read allot as some of the places only had 2 TV stations (NBC_ Klamath falls on the bounce) & ABC (Portland) in winter CBS-Portland & ABC (Eugene) summer) which were grainy at best and two radio stations to pick from until I was much more experienced in life (this means older).  Read Pioneer Women's notes on blogging, today.  She said to write in my own style.  Okay, I must do that cause I do not play well with being something I am not.  She said to write often, I am trying to get the knack of doing that.  PW said to write about my life.  Well it's the one I know the best that is what I am trying to do.  She said to love my viewers.  If you all loved closer I would have you all for coffee! or Lunch, Or TEA but something where we could chat.  In my world having someone to share your meal with will that is loving you because I feed you (coffee means cookies, pies, lunch, sweet tea, tea, small cut out sandwiches with the crust cut off even I would do for you) being Luthern means to share a meal is to share God's Love and Word in action.  I would even let you clean my house cuz I hate to clean alone and, well, we would talk as we did clean house maybe get a pizza to share and drinks so we could continue to have fun then next time we meet at your place to clean AKA gab.  Then she said something that will be me hardest to do that is to spell good and use English also known as grammer correctly.  If you know me you will know this is an area of my life I struggle with day in and day out.  Well as I only know English I had part of that done, but the spelling and grammar part may be me hardest things for me to reach for and thrive doing.  I will try and use spell check and there will be attempts at always using fair to good grammar with some funning now and then written in but I know I will write a he for a she and a to for too so "bear" with me and help me find those errors that are mine and my own to "bare". 

 I have been looking at chickens again for ordering.  Old Army Man wants to have chickens again.   He is also missing duck as one of our meats.  His grandparents had a hunting lodge they had ducks and goose often in the fall and winter.  Froze what they did not use for summer meals.  I miss the taste of the home raised eggs.  Duck or Chicken even the goose (or is it geese) eggs were tastier than those I get from the store now.  We have free range poultry or did now we are fixing up an enclosure so the hawks and raccoons can be kept out and we get to keep our critters rather than be a smorgasbord for the wildlife nearby. 

You know that I am even thinking of raising (gulp) fryers.  Turkey, rabbit, guineas, duck, goose, and chicken.  I love chicken and dumplings and old hens make such good chicken and dumplings.  It may seem like it takes two days to get the flavor good and the meat soft, but it is something ever so good.  Mom use to go get capon fryers now and then, even looking into how to raise (capon) them.  I am liking the idea of a chicken plucker.  Then would need a barn, and a...well a girl has to make her lists or there never will be hope.  Just hoping I can live so long as to see and do the a few more of the things in life I hoped to do as a child. 

Better go now I feel like doing another load of dishes and well better get to it before the passion passes and we have lost all hope of dinner dishes for this evening. 

Take care,

Old Mossback

 

At least the dogs liked dinner!

I had such great hope for dinner tonight, easy, microwave meal of food we both love.  Alas somehow I missed the boat.  Two plates needed rather than the one large platter was the first error.  2nd error, hubby not relating finger food with dinner.  3rd error,  not making another dish hubby related as a meal. 

I like nacho dinners now and then.  Not asking for monthly or weekly, but a couple times a year just to feel out of the mold of this is dinner-meat or meat base casserole, salad, side dish carbs.  I like dinner salads, soups, and stews for dinners.  Husband thinks of these as starter courses.   Now there are some things he likes that I just never have had or he finds he enjoys, but for the most part he has boundaries on what he thinks dinner is and expects it in his head.  He does not mean to be so set however he is very set in his way of thinking in many ways.   There is a reason I relate to him as Old Army Man.  Rules were rules to guild you though situations all you had to find was the right book to guide you.   Someone from above sent down the orders then others took and gave those orders into orders of action.  Old Army Man was midway up the chain so he was one who did take and do some delegating however he was also low enough on the pole to feel some of the dirt run down hill now and again. 

Maybe it is just because he is in his last week of classes in community college after being out of college 3 decades that he is grumpy.  Now getting those brain cells to open up to today's education system with computers, wireless systems, phones that have more power than we ever would have hoped to have in our lifetime power.  Remember the first time you walked and talked on a wireless phone.  I can recall having to sit by the phone and having a three foot cord with a 6 minute time limit or the phone company kicked you off the line no matter who you were talking to or why unless it was long distance than they loved charging you for long distance.  You know long distance like the town 8 miles away.   Yea I am on old piece of shoe leather.  I had to learn to use a party line phone with an operated on it when I first learned to use the phone.  Silly to think now I can 750 miles away and call my kids up and them not even know I am out of state.  

Progress is good do not get me wrong.  I had a mammogram yesterday.  I have odd shaped breasts in that they are not small two three picture each side breast.  5 positions latter on each side and at the angled view I am leaving.  No pain, no long term smashing of the tissue, no hour to be in the odd positions.  The pictures they can do now are wow.  I was loving it.  A course I was having a heat flash so I stunk up to high heaven.  Poor gal taking the shots had to get up close to me several times.  I had showered just minutes prior to getting into the car so I could be fresh and clean for the mammogram.  The best laid plans of mice and men went out the door.  Big heavy set ladies who are more round than tall in their 50's do have BO even on the best of times if they are hot, no a/c in auto, warm day, and having a heat flash.  I had water dripping off my face so bad I had to wipe my face several times during the 20 minutes it took to take the images. 

Cancer was the cause of death for both of my grandmothers you would think I would be more aware of things.  I become overwhelmed by thinking to much on the topic.  I have eaten home raised foods for the most part of my life until I went to work and stopped canning, freezing, and other methods of food preserving.   Well this gets to deep if I go where this is leading we will cover this topic in later posts I am sure it will come up again. Eating right well for who you are happens to be a topic I can talk on for hours. 


Thanks for your time, enjoy the rest of the week.  Until we meet again. 

Old Mossback. 

Figuring it out.

So I am reading about blogging, what, when, where, who, who not, what not, all messed up. 

Lots to learn.  I see no one really knows what all is happening or that I even have a blog.  How to promote.  Yes, I need to promote.  I am writing about myself, fears, family, sharing things I have not shared but with close friends or family.  Now I need to promote myself.  Yikes this idea is worse than sharing many of the "secrets" I have in my life.  You know those private things that are not as private as they use to be due to social media like facebook, google 1+, diggs, myspace, blogger, you know what I am a trying to be telling ya.  I find myself using poor English and out and out phases that just do not make the grade these past few weeks.  Well lets see if I can get some things moving here so I can learn to be a better blogger, get a following, write better, heck maybe even show you more of my so life along with what makes me Mossback Tough. 

Well time to get to making waves so I have some reason to get back on her after work Thursday.  Friday out of town, Saturday three sets of people will show up to pick there pups.  Evil house cleaning to do and much of the dang stuff to do also.  Dishes yuks, laundry, need it done to have cloths to wear, yeps, Floors sweeps so others do not trip,  Mopping the floors to remove that old dog smell.  Let us know forget to clean the kitchen counters to make less places for those old mice to hide.  I may even take pictures of before and after for you all.  by now mossback...

Best laid plans

Ever have those plans where you say tomorrow I will get this done, then you wake up say I will get to it in a moment then that moment never comes.  Yea that is today.  Need to get the shelves done in the pantry so I can put pans on the shelves as the mice keep getting into the lower shelves causing messes.  I have tried so many traps it is silly but when you live on a farm one has mice I accept that however it is the neighbors next door with three huge barns filled with grass seed straw that make control so hard.  Our LGD (livestock guard dog) kills hundreds of mice and rats each week, the chickens, duck, and cats do their part also alas some if those nasty critters still make it into the house.  Let get back to plans.

Planned to make chili from scratch today.  Was going to go shopping last night than I thought no no not until the counters are sorta cleaned off.  Well it is 3 pm and they are not cleaned.  I have pinned things of interest, facebooked for the business, farm, self, and even spent some time learning to twitter.  I was awake at 8 am, 9:30 am, work up again at 12:30 pm told myself I needed the rest.  I want a big cup of coffee but I am not getting to that end of the house to make it.  I like the ice coffee as I tend to go make myself one but I need to make that also.  I had plans to make it.

Plans to clean the bathroom, make some things for the house and do some dishes and washing so I had clothing to wear.  Old Army Man is up asking what is up meaning hey girl I want to see what is happening on my fb, website, email, and just see what the sport and political world has happening in it today. 

Yea I had plans to be all done with everything by now and sitting in a chair watching something on my roku or to be setting up my new roku in my office so I could fb, tweet, write to my heart's content while chili simmered and gave the house smells to make ones mouth water.  Better go start on that counter.  I may take pictures if I get things done.  Write more later,  O

Finding a job at over 50

Today went well. How was your day?  Old Army man felt well enough to drive himself today.  He took it easy, did not push it.  His army disability is paying for him to attend local community college 3/4 time.  He has a long way to go to be finished however he has a goal and hope of working again which at 55 plus may be a punishment or a blessing.  He wants to work the farm so bad yet the pain will not go away if he is on his feet too much plus right now he is just under so many what if's from the doctors that we are falling the rehabs line of hope along with maybe he can work again some day.  In our area of the country people 55 just do not seem to be hired then again just a few months ago unemployment was over 11% county wide with our area of the county closer to 17%.   We live in a large Oregon County. 

Ever tried to rethink your life and it's goals.  I work a 12 step program, have for 22 plus years now.  My word it is hard. Sometime I have to adjust my life dreams and hopes to be more real other times I just need to allow myself to be in the moment, forgive myself.  Experience starts to become an issue as you have too much,  employment agencies state you should be looking at these types of jobs-high pay, leadership, jobs like state workers have and paid as good or better than them, yea right.   In all the years I have looked no one I mean no one has said gee whiz girl you are too cute, able bodied, or too athletic to have this job.  Rather I get well you are over qualified, ( you must be old) your are just not what we are looking for ( combo-not a knock out beauty, too fat, I am so fat it scares them, they see their insurance rates going up because of age, weight, or conditions), best of all is the I wish I knew of someone hiring cause you have so much to offer someone however you just will not fit in here.  (See above).  I have had people hire me nearly sight unseen, they have loved my work once they got past the oh my she is heavy, old, gray haired hum, or other reservations.  I have gotten great responses from them however seems these jobs just did not work out due to the changing economic climate in most cases.  So I now work a job that requires someone in my state to hold a licence's to work at that job.  I only work tax season but it is a job that does not pay out right well but better than any other I have been offered in the past 5 years.  About 10 years ago I started looking for something to be a second "job" one of my own making say a business I could work at between tax seasons.   I had several things I was researching when I meet my husband and well farming came back as an option. 

I attended Oregon State took courses which would have lead me to be an agriculture extension agent related work.  Alas 18 months after I had gotten my diploma the state started changing how or who they hired.  I needed a Masters degree to even apply.  Shot here I was two kids in diapers, drink unemployed abusive carpenter husband #1, who had been told by the college when I went back 3 yrs later I needed to update my college skills before entering the masters program.  I had a 12 day old baby when I walked down the concourse to get my degree handed to me.  Seems all those job apps I had been applying for just did not know how to take my degree.  I am holding anger over choices I made.  I have drank over them plus other choices I have made.  Seemed each time I started to make headway something got in the way.  It took years but I know now I need to be the one making my way in the world not asking people to make my way in the world.  I make my own way.  Not something corp America likes to hear, drives my boss nuts during tax season as I am a bit of a maverick.  I can read his reports he allows us to read, I had economics, business, and math, along with social insight classes.  I have read the results of the reports as I see them and being able to read some of the writing on the wall.  I have had to learn to wait to respond to the boss when I work for others.  I love the freedom to work for myself there are months I earn more working for myself then I do working for the "man" however I still am not sure enough to go it alone without the  safety net of a job to help cover the expenses most of the year. 

I like doing it on my own. Being the one who knows the market, advertises, does sales, research which can be the best side of this being self employed equation.  Then there is the promotion of my bit of heaven.  Dog trails, livestock auctions, the everyday wonderful God bless them real people.  No one trying to stab me in the back in the next office, no one telling me Not to go there, but watching to see if it works.   I can name many ways not to raise sheep in the Willamette Valley.  I can tell you dozen of ways how not treat to allow your livestock guard dog to behave or acts one should not allow them to see.  I can tell you which types of goats I am liking and willing to spend time around.  I learned I miss the smell of a horse on the place.  Calves can cause as much laughter as baby lambs.   I don't get to hold the calves as long on my lap as I do the lambs but then again calves are not as often coming into the house looking for me like the goats and sheep do.  Chickens are great.  Ducks actions bring smiles.  Geese can eat loads of grass.  Things I find heart warming.  Grand kids love to feed the baby livestock, run around seeing all the sights we have on our small acreage.  I love my ATV plan and simple. 

Better go now.  I have spent the day removing mouse droppings as I moved things around on the pantry shelves finding 3 places those buggers have chewed though the wall to get into that room.  Old metal shelves where on the floor moving and cleaning those not fun.  Taking the time to sort out old stuff, do I need that in here questions, and just adjusting life to live it a bit better.  Need to go into town and get some drywall maybe steel wool so these mice will not chew back though the walls where I patch.

Old Moss had better go finish this blog as it is nearly 10 pm and I work in the morning. 

I have started my blog. Now what?

Mossback Tough starts today with a bite of freedom for a change.  These last three years has had me driving more than riding with my husband places.  Old army man has had better days leaving me to test each morning to see how the wind blows with him.  Why you may ask am I calling myself Mossback Tough?  A mossback is an old bull that has been around so much he has moss growing on him.  Well I am tough, I feel the weather more now than decades ago, I have been tested time and again, plus I just keep going for one reason or another. 

Leaving in Western Oregon I have owned clothing left out in the spring or fall that has growing moss on it.  When I lived in the coast range I would leave college in the morning pulling old man's beard moss down to get into the car under the oak trees then on the way back I would have to stop somedays and pull the old's man's beard moss off the tree limbs so I could get back to the small cabin we lived in back them.  28 acres of timberland with a 3 acre field and a two acre house and garden area around the small old wood heated cabin in the woods that had a small barn we had to pass by to get home.  There were streams to cross and miles of unpaved roads to travel to get home each night after work.  We raised over an acre of garden, a few head of sheep, a few horses, and trouble of our own doing back then by the time we had two children I had finish college, the depression of the 80's and the spotted owl forced us out of the cabin and into city living.  Strange what things like pizza delivery and a store closer than 7 miles away can do to a lifestyle.

I hope to cover tough times and hope of recovery, life and death, today and yesterday, not sure what I need to say just that I am to do this blog.  I will stumble, fall not sure it will go anywhere lets just say for now it is mine.  Something I must do for myself. 

I will try and find from time to time things I do that lead to a better life, follow our improvents on our bank repo we purchased, our animals, our goals, children and grandchildren, things that make life go around be it church events, cowboy life, or things that move me. 

Come back soon you here in the mean time Take Care,  Mossback