Recovery Coffee

Today my son has 30 days in recovery.  Today I have 22 yrs, 9 months, and 18 days in recovery.  This son of mine thinks I am full of it and not really all that bad.  Hate to live though bad as what I lived though was enough for me.  More than enough for anyone's lifetime.  I can remember thinking Coffee AWFUL stuff at meetings. 

Then I started to use it was more of a hand warmer than a drink.  Something to do with my hands.  That helped.  Coffee is cheaper than drinking Beer or at least it was back when I stopped.  Use to be able to buy a months worth of coffee for less than $10 dollars.  Yea and way back then I use to have only $10 per week for my husband's cigs.  Times have changed.   Coffee at meetings use to be better at some locations than others.  In the town I went to most of the meetings were in one location so the same coffee was used for all the meetings at that location. 

Once I found the cup I liked I took one to meetings.  The cup was tallish, large enough around to put my hands, while keeping them warm.  I started buying myself mugs for coffee and tea.  I like some mugs for camping, others for tea for my break on a spring day.  Other cups were for summer take outside and leave them or winter keep the coffee warm in the greenhouse, then there were some for other hot drinks like warm eggnog or herb teas for the evenings in the winter by the hearth.  Then we built a home without a fireplace or wood stove.  Oh, how I was living the good life.  No wood to haul, no wood to stack, no wood to split, not having to have a wood shed was a big deal to me.   No more boots to dry and care for after we did the wood run.  Oh the freedom, I felt. 

I lived.  I learned how much coffee to drink. 

Yea, had to learn not to drink too much coffee, then I had to wean myself off coffee after I married Old Army Man as he likes the smell of coffee, but will not drink the stuff or kiss me if I have been drinking the stuff.  I liked my morning kisses so I just let coffee fall to the wayside.   I do drink coffee during tax season as well, I need to be awake and up and going for hours on end.  The drugs I take for ailments have me sleeping 10-11 hours a day without coffee to keep me from napping.  I start to creep up on my cups of coffee until I get a bit jittery then I need to back off and tell the boss, hey I need to sleep here. 

 

I miss having coffee around a campfire of an evening or early morning.  I miss the scout troop I use to go camping with also.  The leader was a bear of a man, big, loud, funny, loved to show the kids how things were done before the turn of the century.  The kids made rope, started fires with simple things one could find or had in your pockets in the woods.  How to cook and how to love the outdoors.  They went so many places, they had so much fun on the rafting trips, the summer camps where they had horse camps and night rides camp outs.  These activities kept me sober.  I learned to live a life with out bars, beer, and drugs.  Real friends not drinking buddies, not drinking because I was sad I had no real friends any longer. 

 

What does coffee mean to me?  Coffee is hope.  Coffee means a future.  Coffee means loving behavior, caring behavior, kindness in a cup.  The smell of coffee in the morning as Grandma who raised me in the summers as I was growing up was so refreshing.  It was the love I felt, the being cared for by someone who took the time to care for me.  Not because she had to, but because she wanted me to learn how to be like her.  I learned to work yarn to the smell of coffee, I learn to embroidery to the smell of coffee.  I learned to pack a lunch to the smell of coffee.  I learned to do the banking and the books to the smell of coffee.  Coffee smell is so refreshing at times.   Can you feel it hugging you when you enter a room after not smelling coffee for a while?  Me too. 

 I started to drink coffee while in college.  My parents did not drink coffee.  I now drink coffee in fancy glasses, mugs, paper cups, plastic cups, iced in heavy tall cups. 

 

I would love to say coffee solved so many problems.  I had stopped drinking.  Less problems of my own making thank the Lord!  That did not clean up the mess I had made in my life or the mess less messy.  I cleaned up some of my messes, some I out lived.  Others just went away before I got around to cleaning them up.  I took one son to Eagle Scout, one to Life.  I learned my way with my sons and though those men who were men more than I think my sons did.  I learned what a man should do and how he acted.  How he took the good and the bad and did not hit/kick, batter strike kick out of bed, yell at, leave blame the wife for the problems.  It was eye opening as my first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Learned men could drink or not drink for months or even years.  I learned these men liked coffee but did not drink it 24/7 like my first husband did during his sober attempts.  I learned a great deal more about what a man should do then maybe I wanted as I was upset by how my roll models and male leadership roles where jerks more than men at times.  Eye opening to say the least.  I now go out on a cool morning with my tin cup in hand to keep those hands warm, the cup does not break and I can put it anywhere and the livestock really have not broken it yet like they have the plastic mugs.   I hope to keep up the good things I learned.  I learned what I wanted in a husband so when the first husband died I knew there was more to life than what I had in the first marriage.   Good yes there was some, bad lots of that, sad even more sadness for hopes lost, decades lost, joy dampened down.  Now it all is different because I learned to pick a man who respects me, loves me thick or thin-physically, emotionally or financially- I am loved.  I get treated like a queen and the hurt has gone away.  I cannot get back those years I lost to drinking, but I can live my life forward one day at a time.  My dream of a small farm, a loving husband, dogs asleep at my feet, cows in the fields.  Chickens on order, ducks in their duck run area.  Greenhouse part way built, garden tunnels supplies on the ground.  I am living.  I am alive.  To think I started with a Coffee in my hands. 

 

Thank you for your time.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for me for being me today. 

 

Take care and you all come back now you hear. 

 

Ol' Mossback

 

 

 

 

 

 



Little bit of relaspe

Who would care if I relapsed?  Not many in this world would really even know.  My middle son thinks he has the corner on being addicted.  My oldest tells me well I don't think it is so that you needed AA, but it is up to you.  Hell I have been sober for 22 plus years the oldest is 29 does he think he recalls all the times I was less than there in this world because I was drunk or hung over?  Does he know how well I hid my drinking?  Drank after the kids went to bed.  Dad took care of them if he knew I was bad off in the morning.  To them I was just sleeping in or grumpy, what did they recall. 

Today was day 9  of not being off the place except to work one day last week.  The Jeep had been back 2 days but dang it as Old Army Man was the one who drove in to town to get away from the place.  Left me here to handle things due to this or that.  It was okay until I got into the car to take us to town today and found the belt on the auto had broken and the Jeep was not drivable.  Drove right back to the house once I figured out there was not going to be a fun day if I drove away from home any father. 

DD came to come pick me up and we went to town and purchase such needed items as female pads.  Heck, it is a fact of life with an older mother of 3, overweight, who has bladder problems to have a need for the pads.  Picked up some mid to medium sized containers to put flours, sugars, oatmeal and such in as the mice have decided to eat their way into all my packaging I had been using.  Plastic containers had been breached.  New battle plans had to be devised.  Now to get spay paint to freshen up the look of some of the old popcorn cans, or to make chalk boards on the bottles to put labels on them. 

I right now feel like a beer or wine, beer to get lost, wine to relax and fade into the wood work.  I need to work one second at a time one minute at at time to get though this.  I have too much invested in being sober to turn tail and run backwards right now.  I hate the drinking dreams.  Waking up in the sweats hoping it was a dream and not a black out you were waking up from. 

Pop is my friend, coffee, tea, juices, and even the awful dreadful thing called water is my friend.   Yea laugh but there was times in my life were I had more beer or wine in me than water so give me a break it works to keep me sober.  It is the thinking that is the real part I have to work at keeping sane so I don't relapse.  Thinking oh it is just okay for one drink, oh it is fine for me today I have deserved it, oh man I could use a cold one right now, wow this meal sure would taste good with a beer or wine would finish this meal off real nice. 

It helps OAM does not drink any fermented drink or distilled liquor at all.  First husband cannot say that about him.  Much easier to be angry and stay sober with a drunk some days than to deal with the boredom of life though clear un bloodshot eyes. 

I am glad dd stayed and made time for us this evening.  It broke up the boredom, the blah of the day.  Sons, both of them sent me texts so the day was not bad, I just wanted to view it that way to justify the want to drink now.  Hells bells time to go to bed and have an iced coffee before I head off to work.  Things will looked different in the morning. 

Better head off now. 

Night all, You all come back now, you hear,

Ol' Mossback

Made Iced Coffee this weekend

Made iced coffee over the weekend, yes I did!  So good, now to recall how to stay awake all day long and not take super long naps.  Used just Folgers Coffee this time, it came out well.  I can pick Folgers up at the second’s store in town for half the cost of the name brand stores, plus other items I save on, like cottage cheese, a quart for 99 cents. I like going there to shop first then see what else I need.  They even have frozen meat sometimes which can really help stretch the food budget.  Going there is streaky so I see what is there first then fill in the gaps.  If I see something I will need in a few weeks or months form then, like cranberry sauce for two quarts for a dollar fifty, I get it then wished I had more.  Old Army Guy likes homey in his stews and soups so when I see it for 3 for a dollar I load up with 6 cans.  Which will last me will into spring if not I get more. 

Not each time do I load up on things, but with a fresh deli of Amish made cheeses and meats I find hard to pass on good meats for sandwiches.  Sometimes I have them slice the chopped ham the thickest slices they can then come home and freeze each slice on its own then use the slices to flavor bean soups or other savory soups. 

Chopped bacon needs to be made and bundled up as it is getting that season where I use the bacon flavor to help cover the lack of meat in some meals.  Potato Soup with bacon in the broth helps meet the need of “meat” my tongue asks for yet gets veggies into OAM (Old Army Man)  if I sneak some into the Green bean soup, one of my favorite ways to eat green beans, once the novelty of fresh steamed, pressure cooked, or just plan fresh wears a body down.  I purchase the bacon now as it is often on sale for BLT’s of summer eating.  Cutting it up into usable size bacon bits to fry later and store them in ice cube trays in baggies until frozen then put them in a larger zipper bag to keep them together.  I do this with other items I buy in large number 10 (commercial size cans) as I can get lots of meals out of one can for half the price of buying thes same amount in smaller cans.  Corn and chili work well for this along with other things I may see in large cans now and then. 

We have three refrigerators.  One is for the livestock and dogs meds, and dried milk replacers storage.  One is pop, ice tea, cold beverages, plus overflow and large item storage, and then there is the kitchen frig.  I love the overflow frig.  It has a place to put the next night’s meat out to defrost, remember those large cans of food I purchased will some was mustard, mayo, and ketchups.  I repackage some, others I leave in there packaging.  Last might I had pork chops defrosting and OAM got out steaks so I went to the frig, got out the Carna Asada sauce for that night, put a sweet soy sauce over the pork steaks, and tonight I will have Asian style pork with cold slaw (also from the overflow frig as the container is filled each month during the last few days of the month as OAM likes a vinegar based cold slaw so he gets it at the end of the month when other fresh veggies have run out) and then a jasmine rice which in the summer I store in the freezer part of the 2^nd frig due to Indian Meal moths in the house.  Then once again back to that 2^nd frig as dessert will be watermelon as it is too big to put in the kitchen frig.    Dinner tomorrow night I will need to pull out of the big freezer tonight after OAM gets home he was stopping by the store to get food he likes or I had forgotten or we were out of before coming home tonight.  Two more days and two more nights of him in summer session and we will be free of college for a while.  Doctors found some things in need of care so we will see if he goes back to college or what in September. 

Other things you will find in that second frig, oranges, apples, extra carrots, other root veggies in the fall and winter, spices, sauces I purchase in bulk, in the freezer is frozen milk, flours, etc that meal moths get into in the summer and in the winter frozen meals I make ahead for tax season.  If I make double in Nov-Dec then the meals I come home to are homemade rather than fast food or eating at midnight when I am working during tax season.  I often will go to bed w/o, but now that I have sugar issues I need to eat something to keep on track.  If we can, we butcher a pig and or a cow, but this year with ORM injured we sold the beef and sheep off and the goats are too small to butcher so we will need to talk about if we are buying half a pig or beef or what.  We do not even have a chicken right now which is so strange for us.  We do have the dogs, but they are the bread and butter of how we earn an income off this small farm of ours. 

 

Back to the second frig.  I love having it.  I went without for three years and found it hard to manage.  In the old cabin in the wood were I first had my home there was a cold storage box that was in the coldest part of the home in the summer that we could keep things cooler in like onions and mustards, but not mayo.  In the second place we had in Albany, we had an old frig which we kept things ready made for the kids to eat in the summer so they did not have to come into the house all the time to snack or get drinks. That frig out in the breezeway helped by cutting down the home cooling bills and allowing their dad who worked nights to sleep without the doors slamming all day long.  I made Kool-Aid and froze it in lidded reusable cups or paper cups and the kids could get them out and eat on them or drink them as they wanted.  I also had cheeses, sliced meats, cut up veggies and fruit and such for them to pull out and share if they had friends with them.  Along with cookies and such now and then to treat the other kids and my own or for them to grab for a meal if they wanted as long as I knew, some days I even packed lunches and put it out there for them so they babysitter did not have to make lunches on the days I worked.  It worked slick until I was feeding the whole neighborhood then we had to put rules on the who’s and whens of eating out of our frig.   

 

Better go time to fix myself up a bit before OAM gets home.   Wash my hands, run a comb though my hair, and well check to see if there are any dishes ready to use or if I need to do a other load of dishes before we can eat.  Next maybe I will write about limited water pressure and the effects on getting housework done the modern way.  Who will know, I will see what strikes me when I sit down to write. 

 

So long for now,

 

Old Mossback

 Iced Coffee

 

One 12 oz “can” of coffee

water

Pour coffee into a large container, cover with three times the water.  Let sit at least 12 hrs on the counter, but I never get to it before at least two days due to my lack of planning.  Stir, and stir ever twelve hours or so, strain the mixer into a mesh strainer.  Rinse out the large container.  Let the coffee mix sit a bit longer use a coffee filter this time and strain into the rinsed out large container.  Rinse out the storage container once empty of all the segment and then pour the coffee mix into the storage container.  Put in frig.  I sweeten mine with stevia and use whole milk about 2 oz. of coffee, two-three drops of stevia, and 2 oz. of whole milk to a glass filled with ice.  Now fix it to be favored by adding almond flavoring or such to the coffee or purchased a flavored coffee and go from there to sit and drink your refreshing iced coffee you made for the cost of one iced coffee at a coffee house.  This lasts me about three to five days on hot summer days or very long hard not much sleep nights otherwise I make it like once a week or every 10 days when I can.