Mossback Tough

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Small farmer rancher homesteader garderner horticulturist child of life experience

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life we live it to meet a goal yet do we live along the way?  I found that out tonight.  Old Army Man found an invite to a pizza party tomorrow, asked if my schedule allowed me to attend, yes, so now I am giddy.  How long has it been just coming home after work or staying home and doing the  day in day out stuff which has become boring.  Not that I do not enjoy the even tone but the idea of going out on a Tuesday to a city 45 miles away has brought great joy to my life.  I have not been attending any support groups, AA meetings, or church-community related events or groups in years.  Not even work related educational hours earning monthly meetings have I been attending.  

The 29th of December my husband's only child died, 23 yr old young men should not be dying prior to their fathers.  I had prior to the son death been making sure Dear Old Army Man felt needed, then following this loss I have been arranging to have encouraging him have lunch or travel to see friends, email, or other contacts from his support groups beyond me as I cannot be his everything.  When he goes to see or talk to the people outside of me he has new news, stories, or insights to share.  I find it a win win for me as he gets to bring the news home to me during the tax season when I am out of the house hours and hours each week.  Grief is handled different by each of us I am told yet there are steps that all go though in grieving.  Old Army Man has been telling better puns these last few weeks.  I have been finding myself laughing more at his quips.  I like this man who pups bubbles of laughter into my life.  I turn to look at him and the smile creeps out slowly brightening his whole face.  I was not close to his son.  The mother asked I keep away from her son.  The mother was I respected this the best I coudld, until her death 4 years ago.  Then the son who had been more indoctrinated than the average person in that her family was ¨good¨ and everyone else she did not tell you was part of her life was not.  I was not on her list.  

I was the spawn of bad people in turn my children were walking reflections of me.  The pot smoking druggie who spent time in prison yet turned his life around as he grew into an adult, nor the middle son who used meth, heroin, pain killer taking young man who got clean was tattooed so he was a scum bag just for dumb choices he made in his pre-25 years old self tat sleeves, my youngest was a girl who did not date often therefore she was a nerd, cause she was tech savoy, carried a B+ grades however her worse was she enjoyed spending time with my husband acting as a family.  Eating at the dinner table, going to movies together, or even day trips to events DD was awful as you can see never should he spend time around her.  I think the worse of it was the first night DD and step son spent and evening together the mom of the step son flipped as we had a fire going with 6 teenage girls that spent time giggle, teasing, and having good clean fun outside until 10:30 pm with us outside too around the fire keeping an eye on everyone so no to people of the apposing sex were out of the firelight or left alone on a warmish balmy September Friday night.  The next morning the boy's mother called him for the 10th time in 16 hours and told the boy she was coming to pick him up as she was going to take him to his favorite restaurant and the movie he wanted to see.  That boy never go to spend another night at our house cause I was a bad influence.  This women was at least three types of crazy.  She would drive onto my lawn, doing circles in the large side yard, diving over anything we had there, she would drive up our driveway and take pictures of what we were doing then drive back out, or she would stop in front of our home to just sit and stare.  Then there was the times she would break into our home and take stuff.  We would call the police and they would tell us it was a domestic issue.  WE took her to court and we ended up being told we were to leave her alone as she had a right in the street that no one would be crazy enough to break into our home and take stuff, nor were we to contact the mother again or the son unless the son called Old Army Man.  That women could twist the truth and tell lies without batting an eye.  I would tell the judge or police the truth and be told I was lying and to act more like an adult.  Heck, a couple years after the mother died the son called, arranged dinner with his dad, softly laughing about the crazy things his mother did to his dad and I.  I did manage to pray for this gal enough that I ended up forgiving her prior to her early death.  I was happy I had taken the time to work on forgiving her so I had no unfinished issues.  The son I had thought there would be more time.   I know the boy was brain washed, leaving the young man just as bewildered in what to believe especially with his mother taking her own life once things were published in the newspaper about the secrets she had been hiding.  The drugs and alcohol she had been selling and providing to minors, her own use, her needing to report to jail in 10 days, then to find out we had paid all the back child support off and she would no longer have a hold over her ex-husband plus all that she had done did not cause us to break up.  I was in the wrong not divorcing her ex-husband then him remarriage to her as she had told thefairy tail to her son.  This women after divorcing my husband in 1993 moved back into her parents home her room was in the basement the son's was in the second floor near the grandparents room.  The mother would invite her boyfriend over then they would announce that they wanted to be alone until they came up for air cause they wanted to have sex, did I tell you that she had no door on her room, that if you opened the door to go into the basement were the food pantry was along with the washer and dryer and the rest of the family would giggle and jest about the amount of noise they made.  The son heard this often plus she would flaunt it in front of my husband to the point he told her and the other members of her family  he would not come into their house again as he did not support or endorse her actions or behavior.  The family was the main focus of their lives not  bad thing but it was not a healthy family once behind the doors.   The grandmother had an ongoing affair with a man for over 20 years, the grandfather with at least one long term affair gal for over 20 that my OAM knew of and many one night stands.  Then the ex-wife's actively open to close friends and family gay school teaching teen boys basketball couch brother let me take these men to my room which I have lived at home in the same small about 8 by 10 room all 60 years of his life one twin bed, one dresser, no more room for anything else room for a bedroom.   There was a son who left and became something of a someone but he was not welcomed home as he had no children nor did he want to visit often there fore he was a black sheep of the family.  This three ways of crazy gal even went so far as to change my husband's only son of an only son name to her family name to hurt my husband and to bond her with her egotistical tyrannical domestically abusing- mentally, physically, and sexually- father who wanted his family name to carry on.  Oh, I was tainted bad just not as bad as the secrets this family was trying to keep from others.  This grandfather was powerful in the family name cause he had severed on some of the city elected communities, been involved with education leadership of their local school district.   The family did not follow a God based religious vent more of a cult in their religious following.    Yet I was the bad one in the young man's way of thinking.  He had been told from the time he was three years old that my husband had divorced her not the truth she had divorced him thus the mom kept the pity of the son based on her, on how she had been abandoned, left to raise a son alone so she had to move home to raise him under the watchful helping financially ( she was employed and gave up a 20 plus hour a job to move back home earning little to nothing), opening loving (yea the son just did not know it was loving anything that would stand still for the old man to man handle or ¨score" with female or the her mother mother who falsely took vacations without her husband the same week her partner would take a vacation without his wife) parents she had to help her raise a delightful wonderful child that he was meant to become so she could work in an adult book store so she could score either sex parties she and her long term lover loved attending or the way she spent the child's inheritance on herself more than him the grandmother had left in the mom's charge so the son could make something of himself.   Oh yea she has spent over 250 K on eating out, trips, awful clothing that looked like she was stuck in the 80's dance scene, hair dyes, hair cuts, retreats, spas, some jewelry, rentals or purchased of things to make them look good on the outside to people looking in in 10 years.   Alas more people saw her for what she was rather than the carefully crafted image she thought she and her family was thinking they were keeping up.  Then once she learned that her part of the farce was up she could not face the future without the knowledge she was somehow better than she was in reality.  The lose of her so close to the loss of his grandfather was just too much on top of the awful operations that went sour on this young man leading to him being disabled for the rest of his life and hooked on pain killers leading to other dependencies- alcohol, other drugs, temper tampers with every altercation he had with the police.  He was too sick for the jail to keep him so they kept releasing him, feeling sorry for the young man with the disabilities he had been left with following the surgery.  Oh how weary a life we live when the chips start to fall from our image as our true selves emerge from behind the false front we thought would protect us.  

I wonder what false images I still have to overcome to be the true me.  What lies have I been telling myself and maybe others?  What will be in my future to learn more about who and where I need to head to not be false to myself and others.  Lord love me today and tomorrow for what I am and what I think I am trying to do good in my life and the other lives I touch.  Keep my children safe, watch over the grandchildren, and keep those and others we love safe in your love, Amen.