Life we live it to meet a goal yet do we live along the way?  I found that out tonight.  Old Army Man found an invite to a pizza party tomorrow, asked if my schedule allowed me to attend, yes, so now I am giddy.  How long has it been just coming home after work or staying home and doing the  day in day out stuff which has become boring.  Not that I do not enjoy the even tone but the idea of going out on a Tuesday to a city 45 miles away has brought great joy to my life.  I have not been attending any support groups, AA meetings, or church-community related events or groups in years.  Not even work related educational hours earning monthly meetings have I been attending.  

The 29th of December my husband's only child died, 23 yr old young men should not be dying prior to their fathers.  I had prior to the son death been making sure Dear Old Army Man felt needed, then following this loss I have been arranging to have encouraging him have lunch or travel to see friends, email, or other contacts from his support groups beyond me as I cannot be his everything.  When he goes to see or talk to the people outside of me he has new news, stories, or insights to share.  I find it a win win for me as he gets to bring the news home to me during the tax season when I am out of the house hours and hours each week.  Grief is handled different by each of us I am told yet there are steps that all go though in grieving.  Old Army Man has been telling better puns these last few weeks.  I have been finding myself laughing more at his quips.  I like this man who pups bubbles of laughter into my life.  I turn to look at him and the smile creeps out slowly brightening his whole face.  I was not close to his son.  The mother asked I keep away from her son.  The mother was I respected this the best I coudld, until her death 4 years ago.  Then the son who had been more indoctrinated than the average person in that her family was ¨good¨ and everyone else she did not tell you was part of her life was not.  I was not on her list.  

I was the spawn of bad people in turn my children were walking reflections of me.  The pot smoking druggie who spent time in prison yet turned his life around as he grew into an adult, nor the middle son who used meth, heroin, pain killer taking young man who got clean was tattooed so he was a scum bag just for dumb choices he made in his pre-25 years old self tat sleeves, my youngest was a girl who did not date often therefore she was a nerd, cause she was tech savoy, carried a B+ grades however her worse was she enjoyed spending time with my husband acting as a family.  Eating at the dinner table, going to movies together, or even day trips to events DD was awful as you can see never should he spend time around her.  I think the worse of it was the first night DD and step son spent and evening together the mom of the step son flipped as we had a fire going with 6 teenage girls that spent time giggle, teasing, and having good clean fun outside until 10:30 pm with us outside too around the fire keeping an eye on everyone so no to people of the apposing sex were out of the firelight or left alone on a warmish balmy September Friday night.  The next morning the boy's mother called him for the 10th time in 16 hours and told the boy she was coming to pick him up as she was going to take him to his favorite restaurant and the movie he wanted to see.  That boy never go to spend another night at our house cause I was a bad influence.  This women was at least three types of crazy.  She would drive onto my lawn, doing circles in the large side yard, diving over anything we had there, she would drive up our driveway and take pictures of what we were doing then drive back out, or she would stop in front of our home to just sit and stare.  Then there was the times she would break into our home and take stuff.  We would call the police and they would tell us it was a domestic issue.  WE took her to court and we ended up being told we were to leave her alone as she had a right in the street that no one would be crazy enough to break into our home and take stuff, nor were we to contact the mother again or the son unless the son called Old Army Man.  That women could twist the truth and tell lies without batting an eye.  I would tell the judge or police the truth and be told I was lying and to act more like an adult.  Heck, a couple years after the mother died the son called, arranged dinner with his dad, softly laughing about the crazy things his mother did to his dad and I.  I did manage to pray for this gal enough that I ended up forgiving her prior to her early death.  I was happy I had taken the time to work on forgiving her so I had no unfinished issues.  The son I had thought there would be more time.   I know the boy was brain washed, leaving the young man just as bewildered in what to believe especially with his mother taking her own life once things were published in the newspaper about the secrets she had been hiding.  The drugs and alcohol she had been selling and providing to minors, her own use, her needing to report to jail in 10 days, then to find out we had paid all the back child support off and she would no longer have a hold over her ex-husband plus all that she had done did not cause us to break up.  I was in the wrong not divorcing her ex-husband then him remarriage to her as she had told thefairy tail to her son.  This women after divorcing my husband in 1993 moved back into her parents home her room was in the basement the son's was in the second floor near the grandparents room.  The mother would invite her boyfriend over then they would announce that they wanted to be alone until they came up for air cause they wanted to have sex, did I tell you that she had no door on her room, that if you opened the door to go into the basement were the food pantry was along with the washer and dryer and the rest of the family would giggle and jest about the amount of noise they made.  The son heard this often plus she would flaunt it in front of my husband to the point he told her and the other members of her family  he would not come into their house again as he did not support or endorse her actions or behavior.  The family was the main focus of their lives not  bad thing but it was not a healthy family once behind the doors.   The grandmother had an ongoing affair with a man for over 20 years, the grandfather with at least one long term affair gal for over 20 that my OAM knew of and many one night stands.  Then the ex-wife's actively open to close friends and family gay school teaching teen boys basketball couch brother let me take these men to my room which I have lived at home in the same small about 8 by 10 room all 60 years of his life one twin bed, one dresser, no more room for anything else room for a bedroom.   There was a son who left and became something of a someone but he was not welcomed home as he had no children nor did he want to visit often there fore he was a black sheep of the family.  This three ways of crazy gal even went so far as to change my husband's only son of an only son name to her family name to hurt my husband and to bond her with her egotistical tyrannical domestically abusing- mentally, physically, and sexually- father who wanted his family name to carry on.  Oh, I was tainted bad just not as bad as the secrets this family was trying to keep from others.  This grandfather was powerful in the family name cause he had severed on some of the city elected communities, been involved with education leadership of their local school district.   The family did not follow a God based religious vent more of a cult in their religious following.    Yet I was the bad one in the young man's way of thinking.  He had been told from the time he was three years old that my husband had divorced her not the truth she had divorced him thus the mom kept the pity of the son based on her, on how she had been abandoned, left to raise a son alone so she had to move home to raise him under the watchful helping financially ( she was employed and gave up a 20 plus hour a job to move back home earning little to nothing), opening loving (yea the son just did not know it was loving anything that would stand still for the old man to man handle or ¨score" with female or the her mother mother who falsely took vacations without her husband the same week her partner would take a vacation without his wife) parents she had to help her raise a delightful wonderful child that he was meant to become so she could work in an adult book store so she could score either sex parties she and her long term lover loved attending or the way she spent the child's inheritance on herself more than him the grandmother had left in the mom's charge so the son could make something of himself.   Oh yea she has spent over 250 K on eating out, trips, awful clothing that looked like she was stuck in the 80's dance scene, hair dyes, hair cuts, retreats, spas, some jewelry, rentals or purchased of things to make them look good on the outside to people looking in in 10 years.   Alas more people saw her for what she was rather than the carefully crafted image she thought she and her family was thinking they were keeping up.  Then once she learned that her part of the farce was up she could not face the future without the knowledge she was somehow better than she was in reality.  The lose of her so close to the loss of his grandfather was just too much on top of the awful operations that went sour on this young man leading to him being disabled for the rest of his life and hooked on pain killers leading to other dependencies- alcohol, other drugs, temper tampers with every altercation he had with the police.  He was too sick for the jail to keep him so they kept releasing him, feeling sorry for the young man with the disabilities he had been left with following the surgery.  Oh how weary a life we live when the chips start to fall from our image as our true selves emerge from behind the false front we thought would protect us.  

I wonder what false images I still have to overcome to be the true me.  What lies have I been telling myself and maybe others?  What will be in my future to learn more about who and where I need to head to not be false to myself and others.  Lord love me today and tomorrow for what I am and what I think I am trying to do good in my life and the other lives I touch.  Keep my children safe, watch over the grandchildren, and keep those and others we love safe in your love, Amen.  

It happened again.

Daughter's birthday today.  Old Army Man just is not up to going in to eat lunch as he is hurting too bad today.  Well that was a first step of many being different.  Middle son phoned asked if he could talk to me and well I invited him to lunch with his sister.       

  Oldest son called and asked if he could come to lunch as sis was giving him a ride and well the answer was yes.  Nice all kids with me on dd birthday.  A nice move on everyone part as she was worried no one would remember her birthday.  Well things went well as she was not the only one to celebrate milestones in there life.  Middle son did get his GED had just gotten the news this morning that was why he was calling me.  I felt so good after learning he had his GED as that meant I now had two high school grads and one GED kid from three kids I had been told by school officials time and time again none would never get out of grade school.  Needless to say the kids each took their own route to achieve the results but they have now something to be proud of for reaching out to achieve something someone said they would never do and do it with flying colors for the most part.  Some times teachers are great other times they are not worth diddle.  Some school systems promote great teachers others systems promote the diddles of the education system. 

Daughter does not do photos often.  If she did she would look like the picture to our left only without the hat.  She looks like me who looks like my mom and aunts, who look like their mom and their aunts see the thread of this.  Well we are old stock with strong genes and life has given each of us our own ups and downs.  Cowgirl she is not but then again she is turning out more farm girl than she ever would believe she would be.  One of the things she talked about to day was about brother and sister-in-law who make all their food from boxes nothing from scratch.  How she was able to feed 2 people on the same budget that she feeds one most months the month her middle brother lived with her after SIL and him decided to file for divorce.  She is proud she can take two hundred dollars and make it last over a month sometimes 6 weeks.  Eating fresh food is some times the things she misses the most at the end of the month but she now knows to purchase cabbage, apples, winter squash, cranberries, oranges, etc that keep well or freeze well so she is not without fresh flavor at the end of the month.  She learned the value of cooking from scratch after the first time she moved out.  Found out how much it would cost not to learn.  Thank goodness for YouTube videos which ed helped her until she moved back home and paid attention now that she wanted to know how to make food she liked or how to stretch the food dollar.   She is not a big bean eater but she does have several kinds in her freezer just in case she needs something at the end of the month.  She never did like bean dish Friday's we use to have however she did like meat free Wednesday.  Eggplant was one of her favorite meat substitutes, edamone (green fresh frozen soybeans) was like in many forms.  I have a few seed packets of soybeans that I am planning on trying to grow as the seed catalogs say they will grow and I found some short season seeds to try to give them enough time grow.  

 

Well to get back to the saying, remember that auto being broken down, it did it again today.   Wednesday the auto repair man come out and fixed the belt here after it breaking, Thursday two trips to town-me to work and home again.  Friday almost out of town on the way to Albany and bang that darn belt went.  Made it to a place I could part and meet my kids.  Called the repairman, he came out, put a new belt on, then I drove back,  belt may have broken on the way to his shop.  I just could not find it in myself to look.  DD drove me home after she did some things she needed to do before she could leave town.  Time, time, time sitting at home gets old.  Not because I do not like it or that there is nothing to do but because of the loss of freedom.  A couple of days okay but this is going on 11 days.  I have made appointments for Craigslist's pick-ups then could not make it time after time.  I look so much like a flake.  Flakes one of the things I work hard at not being now that I am sober.  Cuss word inserted here, I want to do better and think clearer then days like this happen were it all seems to slap me silly.  OAM and me seemed to have a few words a couple times today.  We never have words so there was many things which made today a slap me silly day.   I hope when we go back in to get the Jeep in the morning we can stay on the road for a while we we get things back on track-emotionally, financially, and well physically be able to be on a track. 

 

Take care, you all come back now you hear, 

 

Ol' Mossback    

All quite before the storm

Fall is coming, you can feel it in the air.  The nights are cooler, the leaves have begun to change on the early trees, the garden is packed full surprises, the livestock and wildlife are acting a bit different.  Still time to enjoy the sunny days, cool off in the evening to sleep.  Then come the last week or two of October all sorts of weather breaks lose. 

Now is the time to enjoy the beginning of fall the end of summer, the time of plenty the time of change.  More and more things are changing.  Heard that my daughter in law (former) dropped my grandchild off at her mothers saying she could not longer care for that child because it acted like my son.   Silly girl the grandchild is acting just like her grandpa did at that age.  My first husband was smart, keen memories, a planner, a handful, a hell raiser even at 3 years old, the granddaughters age.    People asked him if he was the Marlboro man because he looked such the part of a cowboy.  The grand child I am speaking of has just been though some things in life that are upsetting.  Mom and Dad (she was a daddy's girl) life was crazy due to social choices made, mom was not the Mommy of the Year in many ways, but not harmful physically to her children. What I saw and advised to keep quite about was the language, the music, the movies of gore and violence, the threats of violence even though some of those threats were in jest, how is a child to know? 

The big changes started last fall.  Violence, restraining orders, jail, kids moved to other grandmothers home, then the divorce which puts emotions into adults let along kids. Putting a restraining order on dad against the mom them mom adding the kids to the restraining order while going though a trying divorce puts things on stressful, drug use, alcohol abuse by the parents and friends, living with the grandmother for months puts a stress on the children, then 2 months later after moving back in with Mommy, finds mom marring a female puts a whole new twist on family life, well, maybe that child has a reason to be acting out.  I find myself thinking she tossed the kid out with the dirty water. 

Not saying my adult child was doing nothing wrong.  He needed to be hung by the short hairs until he recalled he made two children, he promised God and the church he would love and care for them and their momma.  He did cared for those kids more though actions than the mother did, was those kids rock in the family.  For him to toss it all away on drug & booze with the way he is drawn to them is telling himself a lie each and every minute of the day.  He has to get more of his head on straight than he has now to physically care for those kids. 

He is the better parent.  This is one thing all sets of grandparents agree.  He was a great parent to his kids.  He did the house work, kept their home, made the meals, dressed those girls, sat on the couch and watched their shows with them, laid on the floor and played kid games with them.  He was the one who put them to bed at night, reading them a story, and tucking them in while mom did do the shopping, oh, she liked to shop.  She could cook and did often when she wanted something for herself.  The mom lost her focus after she started going back to beauty school and losing over 100 lbs from having 2 kids one on top of the other.  The path each of the parents has is tough to return to near what they were before drugs, now to not think that you, the parent, did not played some part of those kids of yours being a bit touchy, well, you just have your head in the sand with your arse exposed to the elements. 

I know I have been on each side of this issue, the child of, a parent who was, a parent who did not have her arse exposed any longer, the mother that grieved on how she may have made choices she never should have made,  I tried very hard not to repeat the same steps my parents to or the grandparents took, but, alas, each generation has been less violence, less hate (maybe) but we still have children who are now effected by our negative actions who are acting out.  I was the good girl, but why can no one love me, my bother was the smart with comments to put laughter in the day type person, other brother was the make them laugh athlete.  Dad was the smart one who did not get to go to college so he worked his way up though the ranks in not one profession, but several, worked up til his dying day.  Mom, she kept the home fires burning in more than one way.  Grandmas one side hard working earner, poor her statments, she was so poor due to grandpa, other side I will kill you if you lay another hand on me or the kids.  Grandpas one soft artistic, the other hard as nails tough, tougher than tough hard, it is how he made it and could "screw" so many people yet go to bed at night and sleep.  Each of these generations had the ups and downs, it rules and changes, but wow to be this way after so many generations of trying not to be that way any longer.  Wonder what we have each taught our kids to make them be a less polite and more physical or verbally negative in nature? 

Okay so now I have shared a bit of the story of me.  Not all fun and games, rather recovery, recover on may fronts still was not enough to keep it from touching the next generation in some way.  I have hope that this was stopped early enough that the next generation will not be affected or effected by the nightmare of addiction, domestic violence, and dumb dumb moves that change a life.  One hope is out there is of the three only one is showing signs of acting it out, the other two are working hard to keep the tie broken.

Nite You All, Til we meet again,

Ol' Mossback

 

The Eyes have it.....

This was a busy day.  Spent the morning carting around people.  Old Army Man to college, then picked up Big Tall Son to do some job searching.  In this neck of the woods "It is the Economy Dummy" still effecting our lives.  I have three children, myself, and a husband.  None of us are working full time.  Me, it is normal for the line of work I am in, plus I (we) have the farm, OAM life has given him a recovery learning curve from all the stuff that is happening with his body.  Way to long of a list to outline in one blog, let me tell you.  Two sons and one daughter, well lets see what is happening.  One boy went out with me today as he followed up on jobs he has applied for prevously also Mom being mom stopped at new places and pointed out other places for him to research.  Okay if every day he can follow up on 5 job apps, learn of three new places to go back to and leave applications, and get mom off his back about well you could move back into my place.  I did have him come over this week and we cleaned up stuff OAM has not been able to do for one reason or another.  Being we live on a farm a great deal of the work involved cleaning up droppings of this and that.  He did his job with out grumping but when I called to say I was in town with 2 hours to fill he said lets go check job apps, and I want to go see if so and so really has a we are hiring sign out.  Between 10 am and 11:45 we went to business on a Wednesday morning.  At noon took Olderst to a meeting, meet OAM, went to lunch, came home, put OAM into bed, then went back out and had my eyes checked.  I went back to my old eye doctor.  She has kids the same age as my olderst (her youngest) which gave us some time to talk about what was overlapping in our lives now.  Our kids us to be on sport teams together back in our younger years.  Well her husband is still around and kicking, her 30 old son is going back to college to fine tune his degree and area of study a bit more.  Her other son, 28, is just joined the milatary and is right now learning how to be a firemen for his country.  She was talking about something I had been thinking about. 

Both her and myself were dealing with life matters at 27-28 jobs, kids, ed done, house, etc.  Now we are talking and both our kids are having trouble finding a place in life or where to head their lives until there late 20's early 30's heck my 23 yr old daughter whom I have been very worried about put in this light may just be ahead of the curve as she is at least trying to figure out what she wants to study or do with her life.  Without her using drugs or alchoal to change her veiw of life maybe there is still hope, maybe.  My eyes were wide open for the doctor to view them now that I have elder issues that can start showing at my age but maybe she opened my eyes in a whole new way along with the exam. 

Time for dinner soon.  Steak, zuccini, peaches, and some starch to be named later.....

I will be seeing you soon, Take care,

Old Mossback

 

Off spring good and sorrows abound

This is one of this old Mossback Toughs offspring.  He is a good size man, now.  He is my first born.  He took some time learning life's lessons, but his heart is good as big as his shoe.  His name was picked out by his dad years prior to the sperm meeting the egg which formed this guy of mine.  We grow them big on my side of the family which made his dad bubble with joy.  Have you ever had a good kid turn away from the hope you had for them?  Well, it was heart breaking for a while between us.  The death of my husband, his dad, did not make matters any better.  Not understanding each other, me to willing to believe the "stories" his issues put us into was trialing at best.  Many of year of okay can we be family even if you don't like it occurred.  He is sitting along the Oregon Coast around the 4th of July here.   He was having a picnic with friends.  I must say I am happy to claim him as my son again. Proud of him again feels good.  For this I must say God answered prayers.  I like this young man's quick wit, fun actions, and willingness to share the happiness most of all.  It took a while, some miss steps by both of us along the way yet I have a son I am proud of without remorse today.   Makes an old tough bag like me tear up now and again.  You all come back now you hear, Old Mossback.