Mossback Tough

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Small farmer rancher homesteader garderner horticulturist child of life experience

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life we live it to meet a goal yet do we live along the way?  I found that out tonight.  Old Army Man found an invite to a pizza party tomorrow, asked if my schedule allowed me to attend, yes, so now I am giddy.  How long has it been just coming home after work or staying home and doing the  day in day out stuff which has become boring.  Not that I do not enjoy the even tone but the idea of going out on a Tuesday to a city 45 miles away has brought great joy to my life.  I have not been attending any support groups, AA meetings, or church-community related events or groups in years.  Not even work related educational hours earning monthly meetings have I been attending.  

The 29th of December my husband's only child died, 23 yr old young men should not be dying prior to their fathers.  I had prior to the son death been making sure Dear Old Army Man felt needed, then following this loss I have been arranging to have encouraging him have lunch or travel to see friends, email, or other contacts from his support groups beyond me as I cannot be his everything.  When he goes to see or talk to the people outside of me he has new news, stories, or insights to share.  I find it a win win for me as he gets to bring the news home to me during the tax season when I am out of the house hours and hours each week.  Grief is handled different by each of us I am told yet there are steps that all go though in grieving.  Old Army Man has been telling better puns these last few weeks.  I have been finding myself laughing more at his quips.  I like this man who pups bubbles of laughter into my life.  I turn to look at him and the smile creeps out slowly brightening his whole face.  I was not close to his son.  The mother asked I keep away from her son.  The mother was I respected this the best I coudld, until her death 4 years ago.  Then the son who had been more indoctrinated than the average person in that her family was ¨good¨ and everyone else she did not tell you was part of her life was not.  I was not on her list.  

I was the spawn of bad people in turn my children were walking reflections of me.  The pot smoking druggie who spent time in prison yet turned his life around as he grew into an adult, nor the middle son who used meth, heroin, pain killer taking young man who got clean was tattooed so he was a scum bag just for dumb choices he made in his pre-25 years old self tat sleeves, my youngest was a girl who did not date often therefore she was a nerd, cause she was tech savoy, carried a B+ grades however her worse was she enjoyed spending time with my husband acting as a family.  Eating at the dinner table, going to movies together, or even day trips to events DD was awful as you can see never should he spend time around her.  I think the worse of it was the first night DD and step son spent and evening together the mom of the step son flipped as we had a fire going with 6 teenage girls that spent time giggle, teasing, and having good clean fun outside until 10:30 pm with us outside too around the fire keeping an eye on everyone so no to people of the apposing sex were out of the firelight or left alone on a warmish balmy September Friday night.  The next morning the boy's mother called him for the 10th time in 16 hours and told the boy she was coming to pick him up as she was going to take him to his favorite restaurant and the movie he wanted to see.  That boy never go to spend another night at our house cause I was a bad influence.  This women was at least three types of crazy.  She would drive onto my lawn, doing circles in the large side yard, diving over anything we had there, she would drive up our driveway and take pictures of what we were doing then drive back out, or she would stop in front of our home to just sit and stare.  Then there was the times she would break into our home and take stuff.  We would call the police and they would tell us it was a domestic issue.  WE took her to court and we ended up being told we were to leave her alone as she had a right in the street that no one would be crazy enough to break into our home and take stuff, nor were we to contact the mother again or the son unless the son called Old Army Man.  That women could twist the truth and tell lies without batting an eye.  I would tell the judge or police the truth and be told I was lying and to act more like an adult.  Heck, a couple years after the mother died the son called, arranged dinner with his dad, softly laughing about the crazy things his mother did to his dad and I.  I did manage to pray for this gal enough that I ended up forgiving her prior to her early death.  I was happy I had taken the time to work on forgiving her so I had no unfinished issues.  The son I had thought there would be more time.   I know the boy was brain washed, leaving the young man just as bewildered in what to believe especially with his mother taking her own life once things were published in the newspaper about the secrets she had been hiding.  The drugs and alcohol she had been selling and providing to minors, her own use, her needing to report to jail in 10 days, then to find out we had paid all the back child support off and she would no longer have a hold over her ex-husband plus all that she had done did not cause us to break up.  I was in the wrong not divorcing her ex-husband then him remarriage to her as she had told thefairy tail to her son.  This women after divorcing my husband in 1993 moved back into her parents home her room was in the basement the son's was in the second floor near the grandparents room.  The mother would invite her boyfriend over then they would announce that they wanted to be alone until they came up for air cause they wanted to have sex, did I tell you that she had no door on her room, that if you opened the door to go into the basement were the food pantry was along with the washer and dryer and the rest of the family would giggle and jest about the amount of noise they made.  The son heard this often plus she would flaunt it in front of my husband to the point he told her and the other members of her family  he would not come into their house again as he did not support or endorse her actions or behavior.  The family was the main focus of their lives not  bad thing but it was not a healthy family once behind the doors.   The grandmother had an ongoing affair with a man for over 20 years, the grandfather with at least one long term affair gal for over 20 that my OAM knew of and many one night stands.  Then the ex-wife's actively open to close friends and family gay school teaching teen boys basketball couch brother let me take these men to my room which I have lived at home in the same small about 8 by 10 room all 60 years of his life one twin bed, one dresser, no more room for anything else room for a bedroom.   There was a son who left and became something of a someone but he was not welcomed home as he had no children nor did he want to visit often there fore he was a black sheep of the family.  This three ways of crazy gal even went so far as to change my husband's only son of an only son name to her family name to hurt my husband and to bond her with her egotistical tyrannical domestically abusing- mentally, physically, and sexually- father who wanted his family name to carry on.  Oh, I was tainted bad just not as bad as the secrets this family was trying to keep from others.  This grandfather was powerful in the family name cause he had severed on some of the city elected communities, been involved with education leadership of their local school district.   The family did not follow a God based religious vent more of a cult in their religious following.    Yet I was the bad one in the young man's way of thinking.  He had been told from the time he was three years old that my husband had divorced her not the truth she had divorced him thus the mom kept the pity of the son based on her, on how she had been abandoned, left to raise a son alone so she had to move home to raise him under the watchful helping financially ( she was employed and gave up a 20 plus hour a job to move back home earning little to nothing), opening loving (yea the son just did not know it was loving anything that would stand still for the old man to man handle or ¨score" with female or the her mother mother who falsely took vacations without her husband the same week her partner would take a vacation without his wife) parents she had to help her raise a delightful wonderful child that he was meant to become so she could work in an adult book store so she could score either sex parties she and her long term lover loved attending or the way she spent the child's inheritance on herself more than him the grandmother had left in the mom's charge so the son could make something of himself.   Oh yea she has spent over 250 K on eating out, trips, awful clothing that looked like she was stuck in the 80's dance scene, hair dyes, hair cuts, retreats, spas, some jewelry, rentals or purchased of things to make them look good on the outside to people looking in in 10 years.   Alas more people saw her for what she was rather than the carefully crafted image she thought she and her family was thinking they were keeping up.  Then once she learned that her part of the farce was up she could not face the future without the knowledge she was somehow better than she was in reality.  The lose of her so close to the loss of his grandfather was just too much on top of the awful operations that went sour on this young man leading to him being disabled for the rest of his life and hooked on pain killers leading to other dependencies- alcohol, other drugs, temper tampers with every altercation he had with the police.  He was too sick for the jail to keep him so they kept releasing him, feeling sorry for the young man with the disabilities he had been left with following the surgery.  Oh how weary a life we live when the chips start to fall from our image as our true selves emerge from behind the false front we thought would protect us.  

I wonder what false images I still have to overcome to be the true me.  What lies have I been telling myself and maybe others?  What will be in my future to learn more about who and where I need to head to not be false to myself and others.  Lord love me today and tomorrow for what I am and what I think I am trying to do good in my life and the other lives I touch.  Keep my children safe, watch over the grandchildren, and keep those and others we love safe in your love, Amen.  

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Today is a day of beginnings.  I am at a place in my life were I am beginning to doubt myself, beginning to change the way I do things, have begun to put new ways into doing things these last few weeks.  Ol' Army guy is in deep trouble.  He has massive amounts of seepage in his eyes from high blood sugar and high blood pressure maybe caused by heart episode he had in May.  We had been trying to things in our house sense May to begin a change.  More beans less meat, less fat, more broil or boil, less pop more tea, you see the trend.  Ol' Army guy just does not want to give up his meat and corn/potato/starch meals for stir fries, tofu, or hummus and baked chips.  He is not wanting to try new vegetables, he will not give up his head lettuce for romaine or leaf lettuces.  He is reading up on corn, gmo's, and how adding fruits and veggies helps a body. 

To tell you the truth I am not far behind Ol' Army guy in health issues in many ways.  Higher than normal blood sugar, less energy, no muscle to walk far, and a great deal more weight than a body should ever have to deal with in any way one can think of.  Hell it happened one day at a time now to change it back one day at a time too.  at 404 lbs. I am a big girl, a person who is really more round than upright.  I still have muscle just not what I use to have.  I love and hate that my Ol' Army guy never really tells me I look awful but then he does not touch me but a few times a year for sex either.  He tells me it is from all the meds he is on I am beginning to think it is also easier for him to say that than to tell me I do not turn his dick hard any longer.  In the end it is a mixed together and leads us into good friends who sleep together category.  Funny thing is I know what to do when I am overweight just do not know what to do to not be overweight.  I mean thinking ways not just more energy, more freedom to go to movies and church where I can seat in the seats.  I mean what does one think of to get thin, stay thin, be thin.  I have forgotten what it is to think that way without the confusion in the way.  I purchased some sun dresses this year. I sure know now what I feel when I think I look really fat and really ugglee white trash fat look like inside.  I do not want to leave the house, do not want to go into stores.  I hate we do not have money to make this transition simple with an operation, or weight loss group.  I am so lost so I take things one day at a time one step at a time.  I am off to go get my ACV and stevia drink now.  It is seeming to help me get different faster than anything so far.  I will write more soon.   

Sunday, May 19, 2013

‎1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

These were the words my husband and I agreed to be read at our wedding.  We were full of joy even being in our late 40s at being married to someone we loved to such a great degree.  Well almost a decade as passed with life changing speed our lives were changed as well.  Two things did us in both accidents both simple to recover from as kids not so simple now.  Head trauma, pinched nerves, pain, loss of memories, physical limitations increased, weight gain, hair loss, increased falls all have played their part in  our lives these last 3 years.  What I want to say is the love has grown, the spirit still finds hope, today I love him with respect and dignity for his daily grind he does.  I work hard at not doing much for him.  To let him find what he can do and what he can figure out to do without as much help.  I am here for him, I support him, I will not chip away at what regrowth of dignity I have seen him regain nor do I need to do things he can do.  He is a man, he is due respect for what he does each and every day just to get out of bed.  The pain, the falls, the lost of felling in extremities are enough for anyone to endure.  There are days he walks with a cane pride fills me as I know what he has overcome to bring that cane out, there are days he does not need the cane yippy Skippy.  He does this without pain killers which he does not want to become depend on, he does this without hot tubs or other sources to relieve his achiness.  I remember how tall he stood and how proud he was of me.  I will stand proud and recall his duty to himself he prides himself in.  He is a gentleman who loves his spouse, wants to provide for her, take care of her, and be a gentleman to other women in which he comes in contact with each and over day.  No cursing, not hitting, no fighting, no biting,  what he does on those times I blow is he keeps quite and waits for the storm to blow over.  There are safety words for him to use if I have crossed over the line in my tantrum to get me a fair warning I have crossed the line.  Eight years ago today we shared with our family and friends the joy of our joining.  Today I felt that joy again when I watched him sit in a saddle for the first time in many a year.  He will live his dream so that his dream gives him a reason to live each day, face the day with hope and goals on why we get up each and over day in this old body we now endure even if it has been in an accident or two.   

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Sitting in the sun watching the wind move the leaves

Sitting here in the little office doing bookwork is wonderful.  I can look out over about a third of my property spotting the horses, goats, wildlife, and the grass grow this time of year.  Doves or whippoorwills eat seeds and bugs in the pen close to this window, spring sun shines in over where I sit making it very warm and cozy in this small room.  Come summer I will see changes occur most noticeable will be the change in when I can sit in this room as it heats up so the shades come down and the window will get a cover to keep the sun from hitting it in the main part of the day. 

I am thinking of making an apple sausage, red pepper, onion, tomato, & pasta dish for dinner.  I have not gotten to cook much this last tax season as 50-60 hour days wore me out most of the time.  But simple foods are being craved by me right now.  Soft scrambled eggs and ham with a simple sour dough bread toast and early salad greens.  Stews served over rustic mashed potatoes with sliced apples for a sweet ending.  Dan is wanting white bean and ham soup with cornbread and a salad. Chili served over baked potatoes with a veggie gelation side and a cookie.  Tuna dinner salads with an avocado dressing and sliced bananas with a hit of cinnamon and sugar for desert.  Quartered hard boiled eggs, radish, celery, and other finger veggies with a dip and slices of chocolate cake with chocolate icing and about a tablespoon of cream poured over the cake.   

Some will shutter, but I know it is better to eat then to relapse into drinking again.  I have been having dreams of relapse.  Dreams I was hiding and drinking.  Not good to wake up from then having to go check to make sure it was not real.  Some of the locations cool- European and South American locals- were lovely, but the things I did drinking the hiding, was not good.  Getting out from under the day in day out work of doing taxes- fear of mistakes, losing my job, causing someone pain due to an error, and other related fears do cause pain for me at times.  I can still feel the stress of not being able to get everything done I said I would last time in a timely manner.  Even my own return.  Better be getting that mudra going, what was it again oh yea- Shit happens, so let it roll off your back.  

Starting over to the every so often blog entries, returning to doing things I love cooking, homemaking, gardening, and just hearing the quite for a change.  With Ol' Army Man going to school I will not have to spend all my time with him this spring and summer.  I am looking forward to the change and to the quite reflecting time I will be able to have.  Turn down the go-go-go he often has me in so I keep up with his stuff but not my own.  He did it to me today.  I had plans so did he so his plans took the auto give me a lift to do his stuff but not mine.  Now I am in a worry about my word being mud.  Dang I had putting myself into this position as his memory loss, forgetfulness, and single minded driving force at times shows more than others.  I just was not up to fighting him today so I let it slide.  I need to recall he has been alone as well these past 4 months as we each went our own way for hours and hours each week.   

I will work on forgiving tonight hopefully then things will be less stressful by Friday when I go see my crew at the Farewell to Tax Year 2012 Luncheon on Friday in Eugene Oregon at the Red Lobster.  None of us have ever been to Red Lobster for lunch and most have never been at all so wanted to give it a try.  I am trying to plan things so I do not feel stuck at home with Ol' Army Man or the dogs 24/7 this year.  We will see if these plans can last but at least it is a plan of action this year rather then the wait and see plan we went with after last tax season.  

Take care, 

Ol' Mossback Me.  

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I love the seeing of new places, things, events.  We traveled down to a national dog final event over the weekend.  Silly us we thought we would be without dogs so we took swim suits, camera, things like that.  Alas a pup ended up not liking the new owners so we had a pup all weekend.  Now the pup is a good gal that was not the problem.  She road well, no messes in the crate, no real barking to speak of, but it was when we left the hotel room we needed to have her with us and if we went anywhere we needed to keep her in the shade or our arms. 

We road down Friday, nice drive, along some routes I had not been on in years.  I had an enjoyable time traveling.  Then Friday night the drop off the pups night went well with one family and not so well with the other.  You know things can get ugly if people get money between friendships.   This caused some ugly.  Must say I thought we did well.  This gal wanted the pup prodded, hassled, and maneuvered us into saving this one pup for her two weeks longer than the other people who wanted pup picked up their pups.  One thing after another kept our auto in the shop.  We were without wheels time and time again.  Much of what we had planned did not get done in a timely manner.  This was a pits for me as I had wanted shots, etc done way before we left.  We had even lost the toe nail clippers so there was on more grump they buyers had, sharp nails.  Then for her to back out not a happy camper I was for a while. 

It has been along time sense we have had a weekend with just one dog.  I now recall how and why I wanted to raise these dogs.  Smart, loving, humorous, playfulness and that is just me towards these dogs.  OAM goes gaga over the pups.  OAM the reason he is so loved comes out when he is with pups.    Gentle, loving, kid-like behavior of a OAM is nice to see.  His stress decreased.  The little girl pup is now back home with us.  We will make the call on what to do with her leaning towards putting her back on the market, but jeez it would be nice to have room to keep her alas for me to be selfish is not fair to the new owner let that person enjoy the forthcoming puppy breath. 

Travel home was going to be filled with pictures but the camera went dead.  Bummer to the max as the birds were in the fall migration for some.  White swans, terns, and a few ocean birds were seen also. 

The trip back found OAM, dear daughter, and myself sitting around the table sharing things that had happened over the weekend.  I think this may have been the best time of the weekend.  Family, sharing time, laughter, happiness, gladness were felt by all.  It was good.  Take care now, see you next time, Ol Mossback.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Recovery Coffee

Today my son has 30 days in recovery.  Today I have 22 yrs, 9 months, and 18 days in recovery.  This son of mine thinks I am full of it and not really all that bad.  Hate to live though bad as what I lived though was enough for me.  More than enough for anyone's lifetime.  I can remember thinking Coffee AWFUL stuff at meetings. 

Then I started to use it was more of a hand warmer than a drink.  Something to do with my hands.  That helped.  Coffee is cheaper than drinking Beer or at least it was back when I stopped.  Use to be able to buy a months worth of coffee for less than $10 dollars.  Yea and way back then I use to have only $10 per week for my husband's cigs.  Times have changed.   Coffee at meetings use to be better at some locations than others.  In the town I went to most of the meetings were in one location so the same coffee was used for all the meetings at that location. 

Once I found the cup I liked I took one to meetings.  The cup was tallish, large enough around to put my hands, while keeping them warm.  I started buying myself mugs for coffee and tea.  I like some mugs for camping, others for tea for my break on a spring day.  Other cups were for summer take outside and leave them or winter keep the coffee warm in the greenhouse, then there were some for other hot drinks like warm eggnog or herb teas for the evenings in the winter by the hearth.  Then we built a home without a fireplace or wood stove.  Oh, how I was living the good life.  No wood to haul, no wood to stack, no wood to split, not having to have a wood shed was a big deal to me.   No more boots to dry and care for after we did the wood run.  Oh the freedom, I felt. 

I lived.  I learned how much coffee to drink. 

Yea, had to learn not to drink too much coffee, then I had to wean myself off coffee after I married Old Army Man as he likes the smell of coffee, but will not drink the stuff or kiss me if I have been drinking the stuff.  I liked my morning kisses so I just let coffee fall to the wayside.   I do drink coffee during tax season as well, I need to be awake and up and going for hours on end.  The drugs I take for ailments have me sleeping 10-11 hours a day without coffee to keep me from napping.  I start to creep up on my cups of coffee until I get a bit jittery then I need to back off and tell the boss, hey I need to sleep here. 
I miss having coffee around a campfire of an evening or early morning.  I miss the scout troop I use to go camping with also.  The leader was a bear of a man, big, loud, funny, loved to show the kids how things were done before the turn of the century.  The kids made rope, started fires with simple things one could find or had in your pockets in the woods.  How to cook and how to love the outdoors.  They went so many places, they had so much fun on the rafting trips, the summer camps where they had horse camps and night rides camp outs.  These activities kept me sober.  I learned to live a life with out bars, beer, and drugs.  Real friends not drinking buddies, not drinking because I was sad I had no real friends any longer. 

What does coffee mean to me?  Coffee is hope.  Coffee means a future.  Coffee means loving behavior, caring behavior, kindness in a cup.  The smell of coffee in the morning as Grandma who raised me in the summers as I was growing up was so refreshing.  It was the love I felt, the being cared for by someone who took the time to care for me.  Not because she had to, but because she wanted me to learn how to be like her.  I learned to work yarn to the smell of coffee, I learn to embroidery to the smell of coffee.  I learned to pack a lunch to the smell of coffee.  I learned to do the banking and the books to the smell of coffee.  Coffee smell is so refreshing at times.   Can you feel it hugging you when you enter a room after not smelling coffee for a while?  Me too. 

 I started to drink coffee while in college.  My parents did not drink coffee.  I now drink coffee in fancy glasses, mugs, paper cups, plastic cups, iced in heavy tall cups. 
I would love to say coffee solved so many problems.  I had stopped drinking.  Less problems of my own making thank the Lord!  That did not clean up the mess I had made in my life or the mess less messy.  I cleaned up some of my messes, some I out lived.  Others just went away before I got around to cleaning them up.  I took one son to Eagle Scout, one to Life.  I learned my way with my sons and though those men who were men more than I think my sons did.  I learned what a man should do and how he acted.  How he took the good and the bad and did not hit/kick, batter strike kick out of bed, yell at, leave blame the wife for the problems.  It was eye opening as my first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Learned men could drink or not drink for months or even years.  I learned these men liked coffee but did not drink it 24/7 like my first husband did during his sober attempts.  I learned a great deal more about what a man should do then maybe I wanted as I was upset by how my roll models and male leadership roles where jerks more than men at times.  Eye opening to say the least.  I now go out on a cool morning with my tin cup in hand to keep those hands warm, the cup does not break and I can put it anywhere and the livestock really have not broken it yet like they have the plastic mugs.   I hope to keep up the good things I learned.  I learned what I wanted in a husband so when the first husband died I knew there was more to life than what I had in the first marriage.   Good yes there was some, bad lots of that, sad even more sadness for hopes lost, decades lost, joy dampened down.  Now it all is different because I learned to pick a man who respects me, loves me thick or thin-physically, emotionally or financially- I am loved.  I get treated like a queen and the hurt has gone away.  I cannot get back those years I lost to drinking, but I can live my life forward one day at a time.  My dream of a small farm, a loving husband, dogs asleep at my feet, cows in the fields.  Chickens on order, ducks in their duck run area.  Greenhouse part way built, garden tunnels supplies on the ground.  I am living.  I am alive.  To think I started with a Coffee in my hands. 
Thank you for your time.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for me for being me today. 
Take care and you all come back now you hear. 
Ol' Mossback

Saturday, September 15, 2012

It happened again.

Daughter's birthday today.  Old Army Man just is not up to going in to eat lunch as he is hurting too bad today.  Well that was a first step of many being different.  Middle son phoned asked if he could talk to me and well I invited him to lunch with his sister.       
  Oldest son called and asked if he could come to lunch as sis was giving him a ride and well the answer was yes.  Nice all kids with me on dd birthday.  A nice move on everyone part as she was worried no one would remember her birthday.  Well things went well as she was not the only one to celebrate milestones in there life.  Middle son did get his GED had just gotten the news this morning that was why he was calling me.  I felt so good after learning he had his GED as that meant I now had two high school grads and one GED kid from three kids I had been told by school officials time and time again none would never get out of grade school.  Needless to say the kids each took their own route to achieve the results but they have now something to be proud of for reaching out to achieve something someone said they would never do and do it with flying colors for the most part.  Some times teachers are great other times they are not worth diddle.  Some school systems promote great teachers others systems promote the diddles of the education system. 
Daughter does not do photos often.  If she did she would look like the picture to our left only without the hat.  She looks like me who looks like my mom and aunts, who look like their mom and their aunts see the thread of this.  Well we are old stock with strong genes and life has given each of us our own ups and downs.  Cowgirl she is not but then again she is turning out more farm girl than she ever would believe she would be.  One of the things she talked about to day was about brother and sister-in-law who make all their food from boxes nothing from scratch.  How she was able to feed 2 people on the same budget that she feeds one most months the month her middle brother lived with her after SIL and him decided to file for divorce.  She is proud she can take two hundred dollars and make it last over a month sometimes 6 weeks.  Eating fresh food is some times the things she misses the most at the end of the month but she now knows to purchase cabbage, apples, winter squash, cranberries, oranges, etc that keep well or freeze well so she is not without fresh flavor at the end of the month.  She learned the value of cooking from scratch after the first time she moved out.  Found out how much it would cost not to learn.  Thank goodness for YouTube videos which ed helped her until she moved back home and paid attention now that she wanted to know how to make food she liked or how to stretch the food dollar.   She is not a big bean eater but she does have several kinds in her freezer just in case she needs something at the end of the month.  She never did like bean dish Friday's we use to have however she did like meat free Wednesday.  Eggplant was one of her favorite meat substitutes, edamone (green fresh frozen soybeans) was like in many forms.  I have a few seed packets of soybeans that I am planning on trying to grow as the seed catalogs say they will grow and I found some short season seeds to try to give them enough time grow.  
Well to get back to the saying, remember that auto being broken down, it did it again today.   Wednesday the auto repair man come out and fixed the belt here after it breaking, Thursday two trips to town-me to work and home again.  Friday almost out of town on the way to Albany and bang that darn belt went.  Made it to a place I could part and meet my kids.  Called the repairman, he came out, put a new belt on, then I drove back,  belt may have broken on the way to his shop.  I just could not find it in myself to look.  DD drove me home after she did some things she needed to do before she could leave town.  Time, time, time sitting at home gets old.  Not because I do not like it or that there is nothing to do but because of the loss of freedom.  A couple of days okay but this is going on 11 days.  I have made appointments for Craigslist's pick-ups then could not make it time after time.  I look so much like a flake.  Flakes one of the things I work hard at not being now that I am sober.  Cuss word inserted here, I want to do better and think clearer then days like this happen were it all seems to slap me silly.  OAM and me seemed to have a few words a couple times today.  We never have words so there was many things which made today a slap me silly day.   I hope when we go back in to get the Jeep in the morning we can stay on the road for a while we we get things back on track-emotionally, financially, and well physically be able to be on a track. 
Take care, you all come back now you hear, 
Ol' Mossback