Life we live it to meet a goal yet do we live along the way?  I found that out tonight.  Old Army Man found an invite to a pizza party tomorrow, asked if my schedule allowed me to attend, yes, so now I am giddy.  How long has it been just coming home after work or staying home and doing the  day in day out stuff which has become boring.  Not that I do not enjoy the even tone but the idea of going out on a Tuesday to a city 45 miles away has brought great joy to my life.  I have not been attending any support groups, AA meetings, or church-community related events or groups in years.  Not even work related educational hours earning monthly meetings have I been attending.  

The 29th of December my husband's only child died, 23 yr old young men should not be dying prior to their fathers.  I had prior to the son death been making sure Dear Old Army Man felt needed, then following this loss I have been arranging to have encouraging him have lunch or travel to see friends, email, or other contacts from his support groups beyond me as I cannot be his everything.  When he goes to see or talk to the people outside of me he has new news, stories, or insights to share.  I find it a win win for me as he gets to bring the news home to me during the tax season when I am out of the house hours and hours each week.  Grief is handled different by each of us I am told yet there are steps that all go though in grieving.  Old Army Man has been telling better puns these last few weeks.  I have been finding myself laughing more at his quips.  I like this man who pups bubbles of laughter into my life.  I turn to look at him and the smile creeps out slowly brightening his whole face.  I was not close to his son.  The mother asked I keep away from her son.  The mother was I respected this the best I coudld, until her death 4 years ago.  Then the son who had been more indoctrinated than the average person in that her family was ¨good¨ and everyone else she did not tell you was part of her life was not.  I was not on her list.  

I was the spawn of bad people in turn my children were walking reflections of me.  The pot smoking druggie who spent time in prison yet turned his life around as he grew into an adult, nor the middle son who used meth, heroin, pain killer taking young man who got clean was tattooed so he was a scum bag just for dumb choices he made in his pre-25 years old self tat sleeves, my youngest was a girl who did not date often therefore she was a nerd, cause she was tech savoy, carried a B+ grades however her worse was she enjoyed spending time with my husband acting as a family.  Eating at the dinner table, going to movies together, or even day trips to events DD was awful as you can see never should he spend time around her.  I think the worse of it was the first night DD and step son spent and evening together the mom of the step son flipped as we had a fire going with 6 teenage girls that spent time giggle, teasing, and having good clean fun outside until 10:30 pm with us outside too around the fire keeping an eye on everyone so no to people of the apposing sex were out of the firelight or left alone on a warmish balmy September Friday night.  The next morning the boy's mother called him for the 10th time in 16 hours and told the boy she was coming to pick him up as she was going to take him to his favorite restaurant and the movie he wanted to see.  That boy never go to spend another night at our house cause I was a bad influence.  This women was at least three types of crazy.  She would drive onto my lawn, doing circles in the large side yard, diving over anything we had there, she would drive up our driveway and take pictures of what we were doing then drive back out, or she would stop in front of our home to just sit and stare.  Then there was the times she would break into our home and take stuff.  We would call the police and they would tell us it was a domestic issue.  WE took her to court and we ended up being told we were to leave her alone as she had a right in the street that no one would be crazy enough to break into our home and take stuff, nor were we to contact the mother again or the son unless the son called Old Army Man.  That women could twist the truth and tell lies without batting an eye.  I would tell the judge or police the truth and be told I was lying and to act more like an adult.  Heck, a couple years after the mother died the son called, arranged dinner with his dad, softly laughing about the crazy things his mother did to his dad and I.  I did manage to pray for this gal enough that I ended up forgiving her prior to her early death.  I was happy I had taken the time to work on forgiving her so I had no unfinished issues.  The son I had thought there would be more time.   I know the boy was brain washed, leaving the young man just as bewildered in what to believe especially with his mother taking her own life once things were published in the newspaper about the secrets she had been hiding.  The drugs and alcohol she had been selling and providing to minors, her own use, her needing to report to jail in 10 days, then to find out we had paid all the back child support off and she would no longer have a hold over her ex-husband plus all that she had done did not cause us to break up.  I was in the wrong not divorcing her ex-husband then him remarriage to her as she had told thefairy tail to her son.  This women after divorcing my husband in 1993 moved back into her parents home her room was in the basement the son's was in the second floor near the grandparents room.  The mother would invite her boyfriend over then they would announce that they wanted to be alone until they came up for air cause they wanted to have sex, did I tell you that she had no door on her room, that if you opened the door to go into the basement were the food pantry was along with the washer and dryer and the rest of the family would giggle and jest about the amount of noise they made.  The son heard this often plus she would flaunt it in front of my husband to the point he told her and the other members of her family  he would not come into their house again as he did not support or endorse her actions or behavior.  The family was the main focus of their lives not  bad thing but it was not a healthy family once behind the doors.   The grandmother had an ongoing affair with a man for over 20 years, the grandfather with at least one long term affair gal for over 20 that my OAM knew of and many one night stands.  Then the ex-wife's actively open to close friends and family gay school teaching teen boys basketball couch brother let me take these men to my room which I have lived at home in the same small about 8 by 10 room all 60 years of his life one twin bed, one dresser, no more room for anything else room for a bedroom.   There was a son who left and became something of a someone but he was not welcomed home as he had no children nor did he want to visit often there fore he was a black sheep of the family.  This three ways of crazy gal even went so far as to change my husband's only son of an only son name to her family name to hurt my husband and to bond her with her egotistical tyrannical domestically abusing- mentally, physically, and sexually- father who wanted his family name to carry on.  Oh, I was tainted bad just not as bad as the secrets this family was trying to keep from others.  This grandfather was powerful in the family name cause he had severed on some of the city elected communities, been involved with education leadership of their local school district.   The family did not follow a God based religious vent more of a cult in their religious following.    Yet I was the bad one in the young man's way of thinking.  He had been told from the time he was three years old that my husband had divorced her not the truth she had divorced him thus the mom kept the pity of the son based on her, on how she had been abandoned, left to raise a son alone so she had to move home to raise him under the watchful helping financially ( she was employed and gave up a 20 plus hour a job to move back home earning little to nothing), opening loving (yea the son just did not know it was loving anything that would stand still for the old man to man handle or ¨score" with female or the her mother mother who falsely took vacations without her husband the same week her partner would take a vacation without his wife) parents she had to help her raise a delightful wonderful child that he was meant to become so she could work in an adult book store so she could score either sex parties she and her long term lover loved attending or the way she spent the child's inheritance on herself more than him the grandmother had left in the mom's charge so the son could make something of himself.   Oh yea she has spent over 250 K on eating out, trips, awful clothing that looked like she was stuck in the 80's dance scene, hair dyes, hair cuts, retreats, spas, some jewelry, rentals or purchased of things to make them look good on the outside to people looking in in 10 years.   Alas more people saw her for what she was rather than the carefully crafted image she thought she and her family was thinking they were keeping up.  Then once she learned that her part of the farce was up she could not face the future without the knowledge she was somehow better than she was in reality.  The lose of her so close to the loss of his grandfather was just too much on top of the awful operations that went sour on this young man leading to him being disabled for the rest of his life and hooked on pain killers leading to other dependencies- alcohol, other drugs, temper tampers with every altercation he had with the police.  He was too sick for the jail to keep him so they kept releasing him, feeling sorry for the young man with the disabilities he had been left with following the surgery.  Oh how weary a life we live when the chips start to fall from our image as our true selves emerge from behind the false front we thought would protect us.  

I wonder what false images I still have to overcome to be the true me.  What lies have I been telling myself and maybe others?  What will be in my future to learn more about who and where I need to head to not be false to myself and others.  Lord love me today and tomorrow for what I am and what I think I am trying to do good in my life and the other lives I touch.  Keep my children safe, watch over the grandchildren, and keep those and others we love safe in your love, Amen.  

Recovery Coffee

Today my son has 30 days in recovery.  Today I have 22 yrs, 9 months, and 18 days in recovery.  This son of mine thinks I am full of it and not really all that bad.  Hate to live though bad as what I lived though was enough for me.  More than enough for anyone's lifetime.  I can remember thinking Coffee AWFUL stuff at meetings. 

Then I started to use it was more of a hand warmer than a drink.  Something to do with my hands.  That helped.  Coffee is cheaper than drinking Beer or at least it was back when I stopped.  Use to be able to buy a months worth of coffee for less than $10 dollars.  Yea and way back then I use to have only $10 per week for my husband's cigs.  Times have changed.   Coffee at meetings use to be better at some locations than others.  In the town I went to most of the meetings were in one location so the same coffee was used for all the meetings at that location. 

Once I found the cup I liked I took one to meetings.  The cup was tallish, large enough around to put my hands, while keeping them warm.  I started buying myself mugs for coffee and tea.  I like some mugs for camping, others for tea for my break on a spring day.  Other cups were for summer take outside and leave them or winter keep the coffee warm in the greenhouse, then there were some for other hot drinks like warm eggnog or herb teas for the evenings in the winter by the hearth.  Then we built a home without a fireplace or wood stove.  Oh, how I was living the good life.  No wood to haul, no wood to stack, no wood to split, not having to have a wood shed was a big deal to me.   No more boots to dry and care for after we did the wood run.  Oh the freedom, I felt. 

I lived.  I learned how much coffee to drink. 

Yea, had to learn not to drink too much coffee, then I had to wean myself off coffee after I married Old Army Man as he likes the smell of coffee, but will not drink the stuff or kiss me if I have been drinking the stuff.  I liked my morning kisses so I just let coffee fall to the wayside.   I do drink coffee during tax season as well, I need to be awake and up and going for hours on end.  The drugs I take for ailments have me sleeping 10-11 hours a day without coffee to keep me from napping.  I start to creep up on my cups of coffee until I get a bit jittery then I need to back off and tell the boss, hey I need to sleep here. 

 

I miss having coffee around a campfire of an evening or early morning.  I miss the scout troop I use to go camping with also.  The leader was a bear of a man, big, loud, funny, loved to show the kids how things were done before the turn of the century.  The kids made rope, started fires with simple things one could find or had in your pockets in the woods.  How to cook and how to love the outdoors.  They went so many places, they had so much fun on the rafting trips, the summer camps where they had horse camps and night rides camp outs.  These activities kept me sober.  I learned to live a life with out bars, beer, and drugs.  Real friends not drinking buddies, not drinking because I was sad I had no real friends any longer. 

 

What does coffee mean to me?  Coffee is hope.  Coffee means a future.  Coffee means loving behavior, caring behavior, kindness in a cup.  The smell of coffee in the morning as Grandma who raised me in the summers as I was growing up was so refreshing.  It was the love I felt, the being cared for by someone who took the time to care for me.  Not because she had to, but because she wanted me to learn how to be like her.  I learned to work yarn to the smell of coffee, I learn to embroidery to the smell of coffee.  I learned to pack a lunch to the smell of coffee.  I learned to do the banking and the books to the smell of coffee.  Coffee smell is so refreshing at times.   Can you feel it hugging you when you enter a room after not smelling coffee for a while?  Me too. 

 I started to drink coffee while in college.  My parents did not drink coffee.  I now drink coffee in fancy glasses, mugs, paper cups, plastic cups, iced in heavy tall cups. 

 

I would love to say coffee solved so many problems.  I had stopped drinking.  Less problems of my own making thank the Lord!  That did not clean up the mess I had made in my life or the mess less messy.  I cleaned up some of my messes, some I out lived.  Others just went away before I got around to cleaning them up.  I took one son to Eagle Scout, one to Life.  I learned my way with my sons and though those men who were men more than I think my sons did.  I learned what a man should do and how he acted.  How he took the good and the bad and did not hit/kick, batter strike kick out of bed, yell at, leave blame the wife for the problems.  It was eye opening as my first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Learned men could drink or not drink for months or even years.  I learned these men liked coffee but did not drink it 24/7 like my first husband did during his sober attempts.  I learned a great deal more about what a man should do then maybe I wanted as I was upset by how my roll models and male leadership roles where jerks more than men at times.  Eye opening to say the least.  I now go out on a cool morning with my tin cup in hand to keep those hands warm, the cup does not break and I can put it anywhere and the livestock really have not broken it yet like they have the plastic mugs.   I hope to keep up the good things I learned.  I learned what I wanted in a husband so when the first husband died I knew there was more to life than what I had in the first marriage.   Good yes there was some, bad lots of that, sad even more sadness for hopes lost, decades lost, joy dampened down.  Now it all is different because I learned to pick a man who respects me, loves me thick or thin-physically, emotionally or financially- I am loved.  I get treated like a queen and the hurt has gone away.  I cannot get back those years I lost to drinking, but I can live my life forward one day at a time.  My dream of a small farm, a loving husband, dogs asleep at my feet, cows in the fields.  Chickens on order, ducks in their duck run area.  Greenhouse part way built, garden tunnels supplies on the ground.  I am living.  I am alive.  To think I started with a Coffee in my hands. 

 

Thank you for your time.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for me for being me today. 

 

Take care and you all come back now you hear. 

 

Ol' Mossback

 

 

 

 

 

 



It happened again.

Daughter's birthday today.  Old Army Man just is not up to going in to eat lunch as he is hurting too bad today.  Well that was a first step of many being different.  Middle son phoned asked if he could talk to me and well I invited him to lunch with his sister.       

  Oldest son called and asked if he could come to lunch as sis was giving him a ride and well the answer was yes.  Nice all kids with me on dd birthday.  A nice move on everyone part as she was worried no one would remember her birthday.  Well things went well as she was not the only one to celebrate milestones in there life.  Middle son did get his GED had just gotten the news this morning that was why he was calling me.  I felt so good after learning he had his GED as that meant I now had two high school grads and one GED kid from three kids I had been told by school officials time and time again none would never get out of grade school.  Needless to say the kids each took their own route to achieve the results but they have now something to be proud of for reaching out to achieve something someone said they would never do and do it with flying colors for the most part.  Some times teachers are great other times they are not worth diddle.  Some school systems promote great teachers others systems promote the diddles of the education system. 

Daughter does not do photos often.  If she did she would look like the picture to our left only without the hat.  She looks like me who looks like my mom and aunts, who look like their mom and their aunts see the thread of this.  Well we are old stock with strong genes and life has given each of us our own ups and downs.  Cowgirl she is not but then again she is turning out more farm girl than she ever would believe she would be.  One of the things she talked about to day was about brother and sister-in-law who make all their food from boxes nothing from scratch.  How she was able to feed 2 people on the same budget that she feeds one most months the month her middle brother lived with her after SIL and him decided to file for divorce.  She is proud she can take two hundred dollars and make it last over a month sometimes 6 weeks.  Eating fresh food is some times the things she misses the most at the end of the month but she now knows to purchase cabbage, apples, winter squash, cranberries, oranges, etc that keep well or freeze well so she is not without fresh flavor at the end of the month.  She learned the value of cooking from scratch after the first time she moved out.  Found out how much it would cost not to learn.  Thank goodness for YouTube videos which ed helped her until she moved back home and paid attention now that she wanted to know how to make food she liked or how to stretch the food dollar.   She is not a big bean eater but she does have several kinds in her freezer just in case she needs something at the end of the month.  She never did like bean dish Friday's we use to have however she did like meat free Wednesday.  Eggplant was one of her favorite meat substitutes, edamone (green fresh frozen soybeans) was like in many forms.  I have a few seed packets of soybeans that I am planning on trying to grow as the seed catalogs say they will grow and I found some short season seeds to try to give them enough time grow.  

 

Well to get back to the saying, remember that auto being broken down, it did it again today.   Wednesday the auto repair man come out and fixed the belt here after it breaking, Thursday two trips to town-me to work and home again.  Friday almost out of town on the way to Albany and bang that darn belt went.  Made it to a place I could part and meet my kids.  Called the repairman, he came out, put a new belt on, then I drove back,  belt may have broken on the way to his shop.  I just could not find it in myself to look.  DD drove me home after she did some things she needed to do before she could leave town.  Time, time, time sitting at home gets old.  Not because I do not like it or that there is nothing to do but because of the loss of freedom.  A couple of days okay but this is going on 11 days.  I have made appointments for Craigslist's pick-ups then could not make it time after time.  I look so much like a flake.  Flakes one of the things I work hard at not being now that I am sober.  Cuss word inserted here, I want to do better and think clearer then days like this happen were it all seems to slap me silly.  OAM and me seemed to have a few words a couple times today.  We never have words so there was many things which made today a slap me silly day.   I hope when we go back in to get the Jeep in the morning we can stay on the road for a while we we get things back on track-emotionally, financially, and well physically be able to be on a track. 

 

Take care, you all come back now you hear, 

 

Ol' Mossback    

Little bit of relaspe

Who would care if I relapsed?  Not many in this world would really even know.  My middle son thinks he has the corner on being addicted.  My oldest tells me well I don't think it is so that you needed AA, but it is up to you.  Hell I have been sober for 22 plus years the oldest is 29 does he think he recalls all the times I was less than there in this world because I was drunk or hung over?  Does he know how well I hid my drinking?  Drank after the kids went to bed.  Dad took care of them if he knew I was bad off in the morning.  To them I was just sleeping in or grumpy, what did they recall. 

Today was day 9  of not being off the place except to work one day last week.  The Jeep had been back 2 days but dang it as Old Army Man was the one who drove in to town to get away from the place.  Left me here to handle things due to this or that.  It was okay until I got into the car to take us to town today and found the belt on the auto had broken and the Jeep was not drivable.  Drove right back to the house once I figured out there was not going to be a fun day if I drove away from home any father. 

DD came to come pick me up and we went to town and purchase such needed items as female pads.  Heck, it is a fact of life with an older mother of 3, overweight, who has bladder problems to have a need for the pads.  Picked up some mid to medium sized containers to put flours, sugars, oatmeal and such in as the mice have decided to eat their way into all my packaging I had been using.  Plastic containers had been breached.  New battle plans had to be devised.  Now to get spay paint to freshen up the look of some of the old popcorn cans, or to make chalk boards on the bottles to put labels on them. 

I right now feel like a beer or wine, beer to get lost, wine to relax and fade into the wood work.  I need to work one second at a time one minute at at time to get though this.  I have too much invested in being sober to turn tail and run backwards right now.  I hate the drinking dreams.  Waking up in the sweats hoping it was a dream and not a black out you were waking up from. 

Pop is my friend, coffee, tea, juices, and even the awful dreadful thing called water is my friend.   Yea laugh but there was times in my life were I had more beer or wine in me than water so give me a break it works to keep me sober.  It is the thinking that is the real part I have to work at keeping sane so I don't relapse.  Thinking oh it is just okay for one drink, oh it is fine for me today I have deserved it, oh man I could use a cold one right now, wow this meal sure would taste good with a beer or wine would finish this meal off real nice. 

It helps OAM does not drink any fermented drink or distilled liquor at all.  First husband cannot say that about him.  Much easier to be angry and stay sober with a drunk some days than to deal with the boredom of life though clear un bloodshot eyes. 

I am glad dd stayed and made time for us this evening.  It broke up the boredom, the blah of the day.  Sons, both of them sent me texts so the day was not bad, I just wanted to view it that way to justify the want to drink now.  Hells bells time to go to bed and have an iced coffee before I head off to work.  Things will looked different in the morning. 

Better head off now. 

Night all, You all come back now, you hear,

Ol' Mossback

Getting back to more of a normal day

Last night we got the car back.  Wow thought we would have gotten more done without us being gone as often.  Trick was on me, as I just am not as fast as I use to be.   I was happy to spend time with my husband, however it was good to let him go all by himself to go pick up the Jeep.  We had a friend visit just as hubby got home.  We spent the twilight talking and showing off stuff around the place.

Today we spent the day being old folks who need to get to know each other better.  Rekindled kindness, respect, and caring in our relationship.  Not sex so much as caring for the others limits, kindness in not expecting the world to shatter just because we were wild and crazy rather because we cared for each other's emotions, telling the other they still were desirable even over 50, less hair, more body weight, more wrinkles, less energy, slower to the take off, quicker to fail at times due to medications and life events.  It is not easy keeping a marriage on track.  Hopes dreams help, desire to be with your friend helps, fear of being alone is part of the make up of our marriage.  We have both been alone and knew going into this we were not 20 anymore but we wanted to make the commitment to each other as we had entered that age when children start to fly the nest life was a changing for my whole family at that time.  I had been a widow for a while after watching my first husband drink then added drugging himself to death.  His body just gave up trying to fight the fight and started to rot from the inside out.  This husband did nor has he ever be angry with me to the point of walking out, leaving me to clear his head, hitting me to get his way, or to even raise his voice to cuss me out.  He will say Whoa and that means please stop I am getting to angry we will talk more in a few minutes when I cool down a bit.  Now me I go off and cuss, say cutting words, even fuss and bussle about things.  Hubby now he see the trouble I have worked myself up to and he takes the time to either talk to me in a smooth calm voice or he gives me space to blow off steam then we talk.   Today's cuddle time was a renewal of all the good times we have had and want to have.  Time to talk, time to value the other, time to renew hopes and dreams in a safe place, safe manner, safe environment, in loving arms which have no age limits.   Cleaned up small problems between each other, talked of future, talked of where we wanted to go over the next few weeks in short comfortable manner.  It was safe and now our relationship is on better footing. 

My kids do not understand why I like this man, why I love him.  The safety OAM beings me compared to the first husband is miles apart.  He loves me without fear of what others think.  He is loved for his actions, words, and deeds.  He even attends church with me.  The value of that is priceless.  My heart opens to him each and every day.  He is real, knows himself, is not the most handsome like the first husband was but inside he is golden.  Just simply golden for me and he trys to love my kids as much as they will let themselves be open to him. 

Hubby went to town for a bit after we did some chores, then we had another visitor tonight.  A man looking for a new LGD (livestock Guard Dog).  WE need to rehome ours before she loses her instinct and wants to only guard the home and not the goats.  This sir has a herd of goats and Quince loves goats.  Dan brought dinner home a Big Carl from Carl's Jr.  I had fun eating someone else's cooking.  I had forgotten to eat breakfast or lunch did have a iced coffee.  I cut up some apples for dessert.  Now to see about getting a cable box converter so we can get TV from the on air stations if we can. 

It is getting late and I need to start tomorrow a bit earlier than we started today plus I want to read some before going to sleep. 

I will write more soon,

Take Care and come back soon,

Ol' Mossback

 

What a day! Good, Bad, to foot We go.

We started the day out with a sale to someone who came to the place mid-morning.  It got us up and going so we were are a small cafe on the way into Albany for lunch after doing some banking in Lebanon.  Lunch was nice, but the a/c was not working so I left there hot and sweaty with a bit of a headache.  We had just pasted the entering Albany, OR sign when we got into trouble.  We had four cars in front of us.  Two were pick-ups with trailers of material in there beds.  The one close to me looked like it was someone moving, the pick-up and trailer was following a auto which was following another pick-up that had the parts for an old pick-up early 1920 or 30's pickup parts rusty, many parts, many pieces.  One piece fell off the old pickup on the trailer twisted rolled under the auto and pick up and trailer in front of me hitting something which made that bit of metal bounce higher timing it just right so it hit underneath our jeep.  Then we heard a clunk, a snap, then a do not repeat word from me.  That started the down slide of the day. 

I noticed the jeep was just a bit harder to steer when I tried moving as the 4 autos in front of me pulled off into a gas station or storage unit area who driveways were about 5 feet apart.  I drove up to the next stoplight and Dan noticed the electrical unit was not charger on our gages.  I was on an overpass so there was not way to pull over at that stoplight.  I was trying to follow Old Army Man advice and get to a repair shop that was only a bit ahead.  The jeep started overheating smoke going everywhere, the was more smoke with blue and white coming out from under the hood.  Alas I panicked tuned off the jeep,maybe not the best idea, OAM and another man help push the jeep out of the road and into a safe parking space. 

We called out daughter,..... help!!!   We call our auto repair shop, leave a message, and wait.  Daughter showed up directly, helped us get things out of the jeep, then we start off to our repair shop.  Our repairshop is a few miles out of Albany, we pull in, get the name of the tow shop he likes to use.  When I worked in the auto repair industry I learned if you use the tow company the repair shop likes the tow company often gives a discount.  Well the tow company our repairman liked happened to be my first choice as well I use to work for this fellow 20 some years ago.  The tow guy was on another tow, but we would be next on his list.  4 hours later we were about out of topics to talk about with out repairman when the tow truck with our daughter following in her auto showed up.  Thank the Lord it made it there safe. 

I must say we did get help from above as the tow cost were 1/3 less than they would have been because we waited for him, knew him, and the repairman once he looked at it made a mental list of things that it could be.  The call today confirmed radiator one hole in it, belt to power steering gone but not serpentine belt.  One pulley needing replacing with the leak in the back from the overflow reserve so not a big problem there. 

Daughter drove us home with us stopping to get a few things until we can get back into town.  We have only one auto at this time so we are afoot if we wish to go anywhere.  Made appointment for daughter to pick us up Thursday to take me to work and to run Dan around if need be. 

Made it home, my cell phone had been off all day due to the battery running down faster than I thought it would.  Dang it once I turned the cell on did I find a note saying we want to bring the calves over, called the horseshoe, and several other messages along with on our way with the calves.  As I read this OAM is walking out the front door, I see the pick up and trailer pull up and start backing in, DD helps by opening the gate, the livestock trailer backs in, up to the fence were we had a gate.  In the mean time DD runs up and puts the lgd up into the house, while we see the calves come out of the trailer, OAM moves the first calf-5 wt-into the back field. 

DD had to leave asap to go take her bother food shopping, seems her day was upset as well as ours.  I did get dd to stop and get fresh veggies at the food stand, so we had fresh bi-color corn, cukes, and a few other things that were wiped out from our garden fresh garlic, green onions, and watermelon.  Dinner was pork steak broiled, corn microwaved, zucchini w/ gr pepper, onion, and fresh herbs,  salad.  At least we will not go hungry for a few days.

Better hope the rest of the week goes better than today. 
Take Care,

Ol' Mossback. 

All quite before the storm

Fall is coming, you can feel it in the air.  The nights are cooler, the leaves have begun to change on the early trees, the garden is packed full surprises, the livestock and wildlife are acting a bit different.  Still time to enjoy the sunny days, cool off in the evening to sleep.  Then come the last week or two of October all sorts of weather breaks lose. 

Now is the time to enjoy the beginning of fall the end of summer, the time of plenty the time of change.  More and more things are changing.  Heard that my daughter in law (former) dropped my grandchild off at her mothers saying she could not longer care for that child because it acted like my son.   Silly girl the grandchild is acting just like her grandpa did at that age.  My first husband was smart, keen memories, a planner, a handful, a hell raiser even at 3 years old, the granddaughters age.    People asked him if he was the Marlboro man because he looked such the part of a cowboy.  The grand child I am speaking of has just been though some things in life that are upsetting.  Mom and Dad (she was a daddy's girl) life was crazy due to social choices made, mom was not the Mommy of the Year in many ways, but not harmful physically to her children. What I saw and advised to keep quite about was the language, the music, the movies of gore and violence, the threats of violence even though some of those threats were in jest, how is a child to know? 

The big changes started last fall.  Violence, restraining orders, jail, kids moved to other grandmothers home, then the divorce which puts emotions into adults let along kids. Putting a restraining order on dad against the mom them mom adding the kids to the restraining order while going though a trying divorce puts things on stressful, drug use, alcohol abuse by the parents and friends, living with the grandmother for months puts a stress on the children, then 2 months later after moving back in with Mommy, finds mom marring a female puts a whole new twist on family life, well, maybe that child has a reason to be acting out.  I find myself thinking she tossed the kid out with the dirty water. 

Not saying my adult child was doing nothing wrong.  He needed to be hung by the short hairs until he recalled he made two children, he promised God and the church he would love and care for them and their momma.  He did cared for those kids more though actions than the mother did, was those kids rock in the family.  For him to toss it all away on drug & booze with the way he is drawn to them is telling himself a lie each and every minute of the day.  He has to get more of his head on straight than he has now to physically care for those kids. 

He is the better parent.  This is one thing all sets of grandparents agree.  He was a great parent to his kids.  He did the house work, kept their home, made the meals, dressed those girls, sat on the couch and watched their shows with them, laid on the floor and played kid games with them.  He was the one who put them to bed at night, reading them a story, and tucking them in while mom did do the shopping, oh, she liked to shop.  She could cook and did often when she wanted something for herself.  The mom lost her focus after she started going back to beauty school and losing over 100 lbs from having 2 kids one on top of the other.  The path each of the parents has is tough to return to near what they were before drugs, now to not think that you, the parent, did not played some part of those kids of yours being a bit touchy, well, you just have your head in the sand with your arse exposed to the elements. 

I know I have been on each side of this issue, the child of, a parent who was, a parent who did not have her arse exposed any longer, the mother that grieved on how she may have made choices she never should have made,  I tried very hard not to repeat the same steps my parents to or the grandparents took, but, alas, each generation has been less violence, less hate (maybe) but we still have children who are now effected by our negative actions who are acting out.  I was the good girl, but why can no one love me, my bother was the smart with comments to put laughter in the day type person, other brother was the make them laugh athlete.  Dad was the smart one who did not get to go to college so he worked his way up though the ranks in not one profession, but several, worked up til his dying day.  Mom, she kept the home fires burning in more than one way.  Grandmas one side hard working earner, poor her statments, she was so poor due to grandpa, other side I will kill you if you lay another hand on me or the kids.  Grandpas one soft artistic, the other hard as nails tough, tougher than tough hard, it is how he made it and could "screw" so many people yet go to bed at night and sleep.  Each of these generations had the ups and downs, it rules and changes, but wow to be this way after so many generations of trying not to be that way any longer.  Wonder what we have each taught our kids to make them be a less polite and more physical or verbally negative in nature? 

Okay so now I have shared a bit of the story of me.  Not all fun and games, rather recovery, recover on may fronts still was not enough to keep it from touching the next generation in some way.  I have hope that this was stopped early enough that the next generation will not be affected or effected by the nightmare of addiction, domestic violence, and dumb dumb moves that change a life.  One hope is out there is of the three only one is showing signs of acting it out, the other two are working hard to keep the tie broken.

Nite You All, Til we meet again,

Ol' Mossback

 

Off spring good and sorrows abound

This is one of this old Mossback Toughs offspring.  He is a good size man, now.  He is my first born.  He took some time learning life's lessons, but his heart is good as big as his shoe.  His name was picked out by his dad years prior to the sperm meeting the egg which formed this guy of mine.  We grow them big on my side of the family which made his dad bubble with joy.  Have you ever had a good kid turn away from the hope you had for them?  Well, it was heart breaking for a while between us.  The death of my husband, his dad, did not make matters any better.  Not understanding each other, me to willing to believe the "stories" his issues put us into was trialing at best.  Many of year of okay can we be family even if you don't like it occurred.  He is sitting along the Oregon Coast around the 4th of July here.   He was having a picnic with friends.  I must say I am happy to claim him as my son again. Proud of him again feels good.  For this I must say God answered prayers.  I like this young man's quick wit, fun actions, and willingness to share the happiness most of all.  It took a while, some miss steps by both of us along the way yet I have a son I am proud of without remorse today.   Makes an old tough bag like me tear up now and again.  You all come back now you hear, Old Mossback.